APW & The Feminist Blog Carnival

You guys. Did you know their were BLOG CARNIVALS*? It's like a whole new world opened up to me. Anyway, I'm part of one on an awesome blog written by a awesome reader who I met in real life once.

It's a feminist blog carnival at that. Feminism & beauty. I KNOW. Go look!

*It's a bunch of links to amazing thematic content. I need to read it all... as soon as this darn blog is done.

On Weddings And How They Differ From Marriage (wishing you twin elephants)

Whoa. This from via the ever-smart Lauren, from the book Altared. Seriously. Read it all:

Weddings are not marriages, and I wish they were. Weddings are to marriage as a single bamboo shoot is to a jungle, as a seashell is to the ocean floor: nice enough, not unrepresentative, and almost totally irrelevant. Marriage is all about the long road, about terror and disappointment, about recovery and contentment, about passions of all kinds. Weddings are about a party-- which is why I think marriage should be approached with blinking yellow lights, orange safety cones, and all other signs of great caution, and weddings should be encouraged as things apart. Why should we expect that looking pretty in white (or the flattering color of your choice) and doing a credible fox-trot has anything to do with staying calm in the face of resentful indifference, selective deafness, Oedipal disorders, or horrible stepchildren? It should be enough, it seems to me, to look as good as one can and enjoy the party. Brides who cannot enjoy their own weddings are either possessed of too much knowledge (this marriage is a mistake) or too much something else (like women who scream when the bouquet has one too many sprigs of baby's breath). I wish that crazy, over-the-top weddings (doves dyed pink, twin elephants, wedding favors from Gucci, and Handel's "Water Music" played by Yo-Yo Ma) led to marriages that were extravagant celebrations of love, that the excess foretold a lifetime of generosity, sensuality, and matching elephants of kindness and loyalty. I wish that simple little weddings, barefoot in a cranberry bog, with ten friends as witnesses, would lead to a life in which less is really more and stays that way. Marriage requires common sense, self-awareness, compatible senses of humor (Jackie Mason will not be happy with Oscar Wilde, although Bernie Mac might be), compatible sex drives, and enough, but not too much, perseverance. Weddings, on the other hand, offer just a day's happiness, and require only a willingness to dance-- even badly-- and embrace the world and big love for a short time.

Small.

Go look at this wedding.

Now. Wasn't that just what you needed?

Photo: By Lillian and Leonard of course

Simple, Simple, Simple, True.

Um.... in case you guys are like me, and don't actually read a ton of wedding blogs* and hence missed this... you need to check out the amazing simple surprise wedding that happened in Central Park on Valentines day, on the always lovely 100 Layer Cake.

I don't know why I love simple weddings with simple short planning as much as I do (I mean, ours wasn't THAT simple). But, I think it has something to do with looking at them and seeing the point of the whole thing. There is no fluff in the way, and that seems so right.

*Secret's out. I only read a few (obviously including 100LC). But then, I'm not getting married again.
Photo: Scott Clark, who shot the wedding last minute. Awwww....

The Grooms Experimental Animation Save The Date

Well. It's turned into husbands and grooms and partners week here at APW, which is good, I think. We don't talk about the other side of the gender coin anywhere near enough. So it seemed fitting to end it with this tiny Save-The-Date video that Eliina sent in.

When I saw the words "animated Save-The-Date video" in my eye box, I admit, I indulged in a wee sigh (you should see some of the PR emails I get), but then I opened it, and I LOVE YOU GUYS. From Eliina:

My fiance Josh and I realized that we'd probably be a lot happier if we tapped into the talents that we do have, even if they aren't skills traditionally used at weddings. He has an MFA in experimental animation, though he's only been doing commercial stuff in his marketing job at a bank in recent years. He downloaded a free trial copy of CS4 on his home laptop, and created a Save the Date animation to send to our families and friends. Although fancy letterpress makes me drool, his work makes me swoon. It's been fun to see him really take ownership over a creative part of the wedding planning process, and I love the end product.



Me too. And I love that it's NOT letterpress this time, and that it IS his. And no, pleeeaaaaassssseeeee do not freak out that you can't do experimental animation. That's not the point. The point is making something that's, well, yours.

On A Lighter Note...

Um, you need to go read the rest of this...

Lady in bridal shop: What kind of dress do you think you’d like?
Me: Not long or white, not strapless or halter… bright color, knee-length full skirt, no veil?
Lady in bridal shop: Yeah, we don’t have anything like that. Why don’t you let me bring you some things I think you might like?
Me: Sure, you’ve known me for 30 seconds now, that seems foolproof.

...Right now. Seriously. Go.

From Que Sera Sera, the site you are about to go visit.

Read The Printed Word

Sometimes I think one of the reasons married life can be so intensely creative is, well, many of us just opened up our wellsprings of creativity for our weddings, and now we have BLESSED GLORIOUS time on our hands. Or maybe it's just because I'm friends with some of the most inspiring, creative, supportive, pro-active, and world changing women - thanks to this blog.

Whatever it is, my friends CEVD and ESB just launched Read The Printed Word... the pledge to read words on the REAL LIVE page. So. I'm taking the pledge. I like blogs and I love writing, but there is nothing as blissful to me as curling up with the New Yorker, or The Panorama (I could talk for day about my love for the Panorama), or Michael Chabon, or a book of essays or well, the Sunday New York Times. The Sunday Times in it's full printed glory is my #1 luxury of the week. I would roll around in it if I could. I bounce down the stairs on Sunday to pick it up, with delight, from the porch (Yep. We get our papers d-e-l-i-v-e-r-e-d.) So this week, in honor of ESB and CEVD, I pledge to sit down with my tea and read it from start to finish. I'll give it two full hours of not-producing-just-absorbing-bliss.

So go take the pledge. And get a button (look right, isn't mine cute?)

And for me, I have something small to share with you tomorrow, and then I'm off. It's a three day weekend here in the states, and I'm going to write some words on paper and read some words on paper. It's been an intense week here on APW, and I need to breathe and think.

Go Read!

In case you wonder if us not-totally-mainstream wedding bloggers chatter behind the scenes (do you wonder that? I always wonder that about the non-wedding bloggers I obsessively read), we do. So, if you'd like to hear all about a conversation Ariel of Offbeat Bride and I had after the post I wrote about the stories we tell about life milestones... then go read her f*cking fantastic post about fear mongering and weddings (and life).

Because yes. So much of life is about not falling asleep behind the wheel (and waking up in the ballroom at the Ritz Carlton with a 500 person wedding you never wanted).

Ring-Olympics, A Palate Cleanser

Oh ladies. It's the holidays, and the holidays are eating my head. So I'm less pithy than usual. So, I had to share the video one of you linked to in the horrendous ring commercial discussion. It made hilarious tears rolled down my face. Tears. And for the record, I've *got* a (in my case vintage, but I'm kind of a vintage girl) diamond solitaire engagement ring. You know what it shows? That I like the ring. Scene.

(though I've been known to wear it on my right hand. Or not wear it at all. Because I can. They are my hands like that.)

And via Lauren, the more esoteric ethereal comment on ring-Olympics (her ring is also a diamond by the way, abet bad-*ser than mine).

In Praise Of The Slow Wedding (And A Slow Life)

Kathryn of Snippet & Ink is back to posting inspiration boards again after a long break, and she is creating little works of art (yay!) But, what's been more moving to me is that as her own wedding inches closer, she's been focusing more simpler smaller weddings, and on the fact that simplicity does not have to sacrifice style. This week, she posted a link to Gia Canali's post 'Notes Towards A Slow Wedding,' where she said "Let’s take it easy. Do a few things well. Make your wedding one where you can enjoy good food and the company of good friends and family. After all, that’s why you’re having a wedding with people attending."

Ahhhh.... a slow wedding. Now that is something important. For those of you who are not familiar with it, the Slow Food Movement was born as a reaction to, well, the FAST food movement. It brought focus to the means in which we produce food, it's quality, textures, and tastes. It focuses on food as pleasure, food as a central part of our lives, food as quality not as quantity.

David and I literally had a slow food wedding. Our caterer is part of the slow food movement, in our food was local, organic, and cooked with care. I don't know if food was central to the experience of our wedding (though everyone still talks about how good it was), but food is central to our lives together, so it seemed only natural that we would focus the bulk of our wedding resources on food. That's just us. But this post isn't in praise of the slow food wedding. This post is in praise of the slow wedding.

I have a really hard time summing up what I write about here. Sometimes people try to pigeonhole me into writing about budget weddings, but that's not really it. I don't even like the *term* budget wedding, for goodness sakes. What I care about is that each of us to feel empowered to have weddings filled with simplicity, grace, and joy. I want us to feel empowered to have weddings that are focused on love, on why we are all gathered to celebrate. And it's incredibly important to me that we ALL feel that this is within our reach, whether we have $500 to spend, or our parents are insisting that we spend $50,000. No matter what, that grace and that singularity of purpose should be available to each of us.So it may be that what I'm really writing about is Slow Weddings. Take a look at this definition of Slow Food from the movement's website:

We believe that everyone has a fundamental right to pleasure and consequently the responsibility to protect the heritage of food, tradition and culture that make this pleasure possible. Slow Food is good, clean and fair food. We believe that the food we eat should taste good; that it should be produced in a clean way that does not harm the environment, animal welfare or our health; and that food producers should receive fair compensation for their work.

I believe the same things about weddings. I think we each have a fundamental right to joy at our weddings. I think that joy is about the simple things, and about paying attention to what you have. I believe that it is more important that we work with producers (in this case vendors, or wedding elves) that we respect, and that we treat them fairly and compensate them with a living wage that reflects the fact that this is their life's work. It's more important to me to pay people that I fairly than to make sure I get the best deal. And for us, with the resources we had, that meant picking a few things and doing them well.

We had amazing food.

We had a carefully crafted ceremony.

We have exquisite photography.

And we had joy.

And with all of that, it was impossible to notice the flaws in my homemade bouquet, the way my dress wrinkled under the bust line because I hadn't sent it off to a professional seamstress,the fact that we had our yichud in a parks & rec bathroom, our ipod play list, our simple cake, or our lack of favors.

So figure out what your doing with your wedding, what simple elements it boils down to, and then do those things well. Take a deep breath, slow down, pay attention. Put care into the things you value, and no one will ever notice the things that you don't have. Or to put it simply: you have what you need.

Pictures: Important slow small moments from our wedding, as captured by Heather & Jon of One Love Photo, fittingly on their slowest of slow manual focus Hasselbald medium format camera.

Piercing Rays Of Light

Well. I was going to post something else all together today, but then I came across this, and I threw out my plans. If you haven't seen Ceilia's wedding, you've got to go see it (on East Side Bride, natch, and on Life According to Celia). But today, Ceilia's friend Krista wrote about what it was like to be at that wedding, and it was Exactly. It. This is the hugeness I was talking about, this is the ambition squared, this is the secret no one puts words to:
What no one tells you when you're young, what no one seems to understand, is that the best thing you can ever do is find the person that makes you want to be the best you possible. The one person that does not complete you, but complements you. enhances you. makes you shine bright right next to them. I have watched Joe find himself through his heart because of Celia. I have watched them love each other for exactly who they are and where they are and I can say that I have been one of the lucky ones who stood in the middle of nowhere, right next to neverland, and witnessed the declaration of real love. It's gauzy, believe it or not. And it looks a whole lot like a sunset. Now go read it all.

Pictures by Cathryn Farnsworth

Promise.

I was reading Lauren's blog yesterday (you'll remember Lauren from her fabulous wedding in the MIT chapel). And I came across something that made me really sit up and take notice. Really take notice. Because when I talk about having a brave marriage, and not wanting to put off things like travel, and wanting to really voraciously experience life together, without kids, with kids, however, whenever that of course has a little to do with my family of origin. My parents (you'll remember their wedding from back here) are very happily married, and have had wonderful lives doing work they love. They did, however, always put off things like travel till "one day" or "when the kids are grown." And now they are less spry than they were, and still haven't traveled the world together, which makes me sad. So I want to make sure I don't miss that.

So here is Lauren, ending the week with a really important story:

Last night, I ran into a professor I have crossed paths with over the years at the university I work with. He is a quirky, thoughtful, poem-emailing literature professor, probably in his mid-sixties, who lets long pauses happen in the middle of conversations. I don't see him very often, but have been given very weighty topics to think about every time I do.

The last time I saw him was over a year ago. I was walking with some coworkers to get lunch, and he was walking the opposite direction, and I waved, and he called out, joking, "Why don't you get married and change your last name so I can finally pronounce it?" (Like I said, quirky.) To which my response was to hold up my left hand, since I had gotten engaged only a week earlier. His eyes got very wide, and he gave me a congratulatory hug, and then told me that his wife had passed away from a long battle with cancer.... a week earlier. When I asked him why he was already back at work, he said he didn't know what else to do. And then he looked at me very seriously, and said "My best marriage advice for you is to never, ever put off what you want to do. No matter how good the excuses seem, or how little money you have, or how practical it would be to wait- don't wait. Travel, move, experience new things together, and do them right away. Don't ever put these things off. Promise me."

And then yesterday, Lauren posted this about planning a budget with her new husband:

We also set a savings goal that would make us both feel comfortable with any emergencies that came up (after buying a house and paying for a wedding in one year, our savings is severely crippled.) We figured out how long it would take to reach that goal, and then Jeff said "So, should we not travel until we reach our goal?" My response was "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Buying a fridge- sure, we can wait on that. But traveling, exploring, experiencing new things together- non-negotiable. I don't care HOW little money is in our bank account.

A wise lady that one. I'm proud to share a wedding day with her.

So with that, I wish you a multitude of gratitudes this (American) Thanksgiving weekend. Because as frustrating as planning a wedding can be, and as complicated as negotiating being a wife can be, having a life partner is such a huge thing to be grateful for. So go, plan, dream scheme together. I'll see you back here on Monday.

Thank You Lady Blogs. Thanks.

On DIY Opression

Did you guys see that Jessica Valenti of Feministing was the subject of 'Questions' in the New York Times Magazine yesterday? She wasssss, and it might or might not be on our fridge now. And we're just going to ignore the stupidity of the title of the article: Fourth-Wave Feminism. But. Anyway. I needed to quote her here, for all of you who are feeling oppressed by the DIY aspect of non-mainstream weddings, and lets face it, *any* kind of wife-dom:

I’m not a D.I.Y. feminist. I once tried knitting a scarf but threw it away after 15 minutes.

Right? So stop making yourself feel bad about all the DIY you're not doing, and have a cocktail while you read the interview, and make yourself wiser. Done.

What is Marriage?

And lets end the week with this, shall we? Yes. I think we shall. Lovely Emily sent me this, and well, I can't pass up Grover can I?

And with that, how can you have a *bad* weekend? Next week we'll dive into the wife stuff again, I think. And maybe revisit some of my favorite APW posts from the archives. I need some creative renewal... some down time, and some time talking about the meat of this marriage stuff with you guys (and with Grover!) Till then I raise my cocktail to you all! Have wonderful days of rest.

There Is A Difference...

Ok, this is the part of the blog you've been waiting for for the last 1.5 years. The part where I ask you, "Did you watch Oprah on Monday? No, seriously, DID YOU WATCH OPRAH ON MONDAY?"

Because if you didn't you must. Ellen Degeneres and Portia De Rossi were on, and Portia gave the most eloquent, emotional, and wise argument I've ever heard for marraige equality. Since I can remember, and at least since the seventh grade when I did my term paper on gay rights (yes, yes, yes, it's true) my gut level reaction has been, "Well of course gay people should be able to get married, because it's discriminatory not to let them. It's wrong and unfair." But Portia made a far more elegant and nuanced argument, a wiser argument, and one that I don't think would have hit me in the heart the way it did before our own wedding. You can, and must, watch the whole clip on the Huffington Post, and then you can go watch bit from their wedding here (which made me weepy) but here a bit of the wisdom:

"She's my wife, I get to say that she's my wife and that's just the way it is," said Portia.

"Anybody who's married knows there is a difference," said Ellen. "It feels like you're home. There's an anchor, there's a safety. I'm going to be with her until the day I die and I know that."

Web Round Up: So Much Goodness

I almost never do 'around the web round-ups,' since it's just not my thing, but this week I had to. There were so many things I came across that I kept thinking, "D*mn, I want to tell Team Practical about that." (Is it weird that I think of you as a collective friend? Anyway.)
First, the wedding that I think I would have wanted, if a small wedding had been in the cards for us. The wedding took place at a park a few blocks from the couples home in Redhook, Brooklyn. It featured a mind-blowing floating flower altar made by Saipua, who was also the maid of honor. And then, they all went to a restaurant and celebrated. Sigh. Lovely, simple, just right. These people are clearly my people. See more about this wedding here and here (via Veiled Vows.)Then there is this amazing emotional wedding, shot by Anna Kuberberg, where they gave out beautiful copies of Justice Moreno's dissenting opinion on Prop 8. This was a lesbian wedding, but you can bet your buttons we would have considered doing this for our wedding if we had thought about it.

And, my beloved New York Times Magazine keeps knocking it out of the park. Last week they did a piece about the origins of the honorific Ms. Turns out that Ms. started as a, achem, practical solution, not as a political one. It's been interesting seeing my own ownership of this honorific after the wedding (though I clearly used it before as well). When David and I pulled up the hotel just 15 minutes after our wedding, the valet stepped out to open my door and said, "Congratulations to the new Mr. and Mrs.!" and in one voice, David and I said, "MS." And so it's gone ever since. When I'm on the phone with customer service and they realize I'm married and start referring to me as Mrs., I tend to correct them so emphatically they apologize. It's interesting, seeing how strongly both David and I are willing to defend my right to choose my own title.And finally, if you haven't read the cover story in this weekends New York Times Magazine about the Obama's marriage, you must (warning, it's epic, so if you don't have the hard copy you might want to print it out). I've mentioned before how the Obama's give me a model of a marriage I'd like to aspire to, in the midst of endless media models of marriages I'm sure I never want. And this story is excellent. I'll leave you with this quote from Michelle:

“This was sort of the eye-opener to me, that marriage is hard,” the first lady said with a little laugh. “But going into it, no one ever tells you that. They just tell you, ‘Do you love him?’ ‘What’s the dress look like?’"

Photos: #1 Robert Sukrachand, #2 Anna Kuperberg, #3 The New York Times

Me! On The Broke-Ass Bride

I'm not doing a normal post here today, because I wrote a guest post for The Broke-Ass Bride that goes up today. I made a list of things I learned about money planning our wedding, and it includes some counter-intuitive gems like, "Sometimes pay full price. F*ck it," and, "If you go over a bit on your wedding budget, the world will keep on spinning and wedding goblins will not come and eat you in your sleep. I promise."

Also it contains one of the most awful/hilarious stories of me reading, uh, a wedding blog while wedding planning. A time I considered stabbing out my eyes. I'd like to say that I exaggerated the story, but sadly, I did not.

So go read please, and then leave me a comment over there. Team Practical... gooooooo.....

*This* Wedding Blog Likes Old School Hip Hop (and Prince)

Practical My Ass! from Michael Antonia on Vimeo.

First of all. It's been a long week here, and frankly I decided we all deserved a treat. So today I'm bringing you a DJ mix that The Flashdance made for APW ages ago, and I've had in my back pocket for far to long. Now you must listen to it, no joke. Because I'm sitting next to David on the couch right now, and I don't think I've ever posted anything he enjoyed this much. There were a few muttered, "awesomes," that only get said about the good stuff, and now Isweartogod he is watching Journey videos, and giggling like a child. But I digress.

Anyway. Michael wrote a little intro to this video about how, "Hiring The Flashdance is anything but practical, blah blah blah" but I disagree. Basically, my style is to totally eliminate things I don't care about, buy a few other things on super sale, and then totally splurge on one thing I think is amazing. Example: when people ask me how many purses I have, I look at them like they are out of their mind, and say, "Uh. ONE." but let me tell you, that one purse I have? It's a work of art. No. Joke.

So what I'm saying is The Flashdance is like my purse. And also, Michael? Bite me. Because you're totally wrong.

Once you've rocked out, it's-Friday-style to the video, then go over to The Flashdance and listen to the long mix. And then download it, and play it at your wedding, or in your car.

You're welcome.

Wishes

One of the great things about this blog (and something I don't have enough time to do as much as I would like) is clicking back through to your blogs when someone leaves a particularly kind or smart comment. That's how I discovered the dear-to-me Amanda of First Milk. Most recently I got a comment from Sarah, and clicked through to find the "i do" chronicles, which is notable not because it's a wedding blog, but because Sarah is such an excellent writer. I wanted to share this snippet about her husband's nieces at their wedding, because it was so lovely I teared up right away when I read it:

I love this photo of all of Patrick’s little nieces standing around us. We were waiting for our first dance, and they were all looking at us with that sense of awe. Later, after we returned from the Bahamas, we were sifting through notes that guests left for us. A sign and a jar marked "wishes" greeted guests at the door of the reception, inviting them to leave “wishes, memories, or a bit of wisdom for the bride and groom.” Most of the note cards contained traditional words: “We wish you a life of love and happiness.” And then we pulled out the first little wish. “I wish for a dog, elly,” said one, a name scrawled below the wish. And then another: “I wish I go to Hollywood.” And finally, “I WANT A PERSON.” That last one really moved me. If we are lucky, we find a person -- to love, honor, to care for. Isn’t that what we all want? Someone. And that’s the magic of a wedding.