Wedding Graduate, Part II: Sarah & Feminism & Weddings

The rest of Sarah's wedding graduate post ran yesterday, but when she sent it to me, she said something like 'I wish I'd been brave enough to talk about the ways I had to think and re-think what I believed and my attitude towards to feminism, sexuality, and relationships during the wedding planning process. So I dared her to do it. And she did. And, by some magic, in the survey one of you asked for *exactly* this post. So, whoever you are, this one's for you:Our wedding was the happiest day of my life (so far) and I wouldn’t change a thing about that phenomenally beautiful day. The huge, almost cartoon-ish grins on my fiance’s and my faces in just about every photo taken that day say it all.

That said, I found planning the wedding to be a huge challenge, in large part because I had decidedly mixed feelings about weddings and the institution of marriage itself. Let me explain. For almost 10 years prior to meeting the man who is now my husband, I dated only women and trans-guys (who identified as queer), and I could not imagine myself in a "straight" relationship. By the time we got engaged, I felt less concerned about what labels I wanted to apply to myself, but I still felt skeptical toward weddings and the institution of marriage, which I associated with a stereotyped version of heterosexuality. Straight weddings, to my mind, symbolized the idealization of heterosexuality over other forms of loving relationships. Also, I was really bothered by how much we celebrate the couple, rather than the individual, at a wedding. Why don’t we celebrate the achievements of single and independent men and women with as much fanfare as we celebrate a wedding? It bothered me that women, in particular, are supposed to see our marriages, and thus our wedding days, as the singular greatest achievements of our lives—except, perhaps for becoming mothers.

When my fiancé and I got engaged, I had no doubt that he was the person I wanted to spend my life with and I found myself really excited about both the marriage and the wedding. But I also found myself feeling guilty and embarrassed about being excited—I couldn’t reconcile that with the skepticism I still felt toward weddings and marriage on a political level. I can say in retrospect that even the most basic decisions we made in planning the wedding were emotionally fraught for me because of this. At the time, however, I did not let myself fully explore the dilemma I was facing, I think because I was afraid that if I examined it too closely I would be forced to choose between my feminist politics and my excitement over the wedding and marriage; in other words, that I could be either an unmarried, or reluctantly married feminist, or an enthusiastically married non-feminist, but not both.

Now that we are married, I cannot say I’ve entirely worked out this dilemma, but my perspective on the cultural and personal significance of weddings and marriage has definitely shifted since we first become engaged. I feel, for one, much more comfortable with the idea that relationships are the singular greatest achievements in our lives—all of our lives, men and women. I think we must all pursue our individual dreams and use our own talents to the best of our abilities and that these dreams and talents must be nurtured and celebrated, but I have also come to realize that we need deep, mutually caring relationships with others to live fulfilling lives. These do not need to be marital relationships. But what my own wedding showed me was that weddings are not actually about the marital relationship alone. Weddings are usually public, communal celebrations because they exist to celebrate the family and community of the couple—not just the couple themselves. Our wedding was the most amazing day of my life not only because I got to celebrate my love for my husband, but also because I got to experience the depth of the relationships we have with so many other people, the closeness and love that surrounds us on all sides. It filled me with gratitude and helped me to take all of my relationships more seriously, less for granted. There is nothing in this that challenges my feminism at all—I’m still just as committed to female autonomy and gender egalitarianism. It’s just that I now think that “autonomy” is best achieved in the context of a web of loving, committed relationships, not by separating oneself.

The other thing I worried a lot about was whether I was being too materialistic in thinking about the aesthetics of our wedding as much as I did during the planning process. Was I shallow, for instance, for seeking out a beautiful set of four white birch branches to use as chuppah poles, rather than using the free plastic ones we could have gotten from our synagogue? Now that the wedding has come and gone, I’m glad we used the (stunningly beautiful) white birch branches. I think it is fine to want our weddings to be rewarding to all of our senses: caring about the way things look, the tastiness of the food, all the textures and colors of the day is fine. In Judaism, it’s called “beautifying the commandment”—it means that there is actually an ethical value in making rituals, such as the wedding ceremony, pleasing to the eye and other senses. This does NOT give us license to flaunt wealth or break the bank if we don’t have it; there is a subtle but real line between ethical and unethical uses of aesthetics, I think. In the end, we had a wedding budget that we stuck pretty closely to, and we had no wedding debt. I wish I had given myself less grief over not throwing the lowest cost, most Spartan wedding possible!

One last piece of advice: one of the best things that Josh and I did during our engagement was to go see a couple’s counselor together. In the two and a half years we were together before our engagement, we had hardly ever fought—but this was because we tended to avoid areas of conflict, not because we didn’t have any. Counseling gave us a safe space to explore these areas, understand each other and learn how to communicate better and find compromises and/or resolutions to conflicts. It helped us understand how we each want to give and receive expressions of love. It really helped ground our relationship and make us so much more ready for marriage than we would have been without it. I would recommend it to all engaged or newly married couples.

Photo: One Love Photo, of course (Sponsor, but this is not a sponsored post)

On Second Weddings

There are a lot of weird goings on in the wedding web (and I'm not just talking about bloggers here, I'm also talking about brides and wedding forums, which quite often is it's own special kind of hell). One of the goings on that I find particularly troubling is the way brides having their second wedding are treated as second class citizens. I once had someone email me saying she'd love to submit her wedding, but since it was her second wedding, she 'wasn't sure people wanted to hear about it.' And it broke my heart.

In Dan Savage's excellent book Commitment, he talks about how in our culture we view marriages as being successful if they last until one partner dies - no matter how miserable the participants were. I've been thinking a lot about that in my newlywed state, as I ponder the meaning of marriage, and I've been thinking about how sometimes, divorce is a certain kind of bravery. The ability to say, "I made a mistake" and then the bravery to say "And I'm willing to try again," is a kind of bravery I can only hope I have. That's not to say divorces are good things (of course) or should be taken lightly (of course). But that is to say that I have a place of respect in my heart for women in this community who are honestly and bravely getting married again, this time a bit wiser. So, I'm lucky to get to share this guest post by Brandi of The Day After (you can see her wedding graduate post over here.) She wrote this post when her friends announced what would be a second wedding for both of them. So, this one's for the second time brides. Take it, Brandi:

Two friends, Mary Beth and Brad, announced their engagement at the party we threw a couple of weeks ago. I am ecstatic for them. They have decided that they will be having a short engagement period and will tie the knot in October. It's the second wedding for both of them.

When discussing wedding plans with Mary Beth, she had appeared to try to downplay the whole thing. She talked about handing over the event, in its entirety, to a friend who had offered to throw them an engagement party. I'm not sure if this is still the plan, but it sounds like things are starting to develop into a bit more than she first had in mind. I think she's enjoying the turn her thoughts have taken.

Our wedding was my second wedding. I struggled through an extra helping of bridal guilt as a result. I felt like there had to be a justification for our desire to celebrate with those that we loved. One of the first questions I received after announcing that Seena and I were engaged was "Are you just going to go the courthouse and get it over with?" followed closely by "Why now?" It made me feel like I needed to downplay the importance of this very special ceremonial moment. I'm so glad that I worked through it.

Seena, this morning at brunch, told Mary Beth and Brad about his feelings on the most important thing to do in wedding planning. Edit. I agree with him wholeheartedly, though there is thought I want to add when the second wedding layer is added. Do not let talk of what is or is not appropriate for a second wedding, a second marriage, make you feel like you have to diminish the significance of the commitment you are making to each other. Just because you've done it before does not make this relationship that you have now any less meaningful or sacred. Odds are, though they may tell you differently, that friends and family want to celebrate the both you and the life you intend to share as much as if you were marrying for the first time. Maybe with fewer gifts, but that's not the point of this ritual. The point is to voice your commitment to and love for one another in front of the people who matter most and will hold you accountable to your words when you may have trouble remembering why you said them. The best part about the second go round the wedding track is that you can remove all that you feel is unnecessary and have the day as you wish it, whether that is the courthouse or a church wedding for 200.

This isn't your second wedding, it's your last. Should I have the honor of receiving an invitation, I'll be there with bells on and help you celebrate, however you choose to do so, in the fullest manner possible. You deserve it.

As a postscript, Brandi emailed me this: "We did get to go to the wedding, by the way. It was beautiful and they were obviously just as ecstatic and overwhelmed by the whole thing as if it were the first time. It did my heart good to see."

Wedding Sexism (This Time, It's For Men)

We talk a lot about the way our culturally prescribed role's as women negatively affect our wedding planning, or lord, our roles as wife. But I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and David and I have been doing a lot of talking, about how the culturally expected role's for men are... in a word... heartbreaking.

Talking just in terms of weddings, our culture demands that while the wedding day is our EVERYTHING the wedding day is the grooms NOTHING. Or worse, it's a trial he has to slog through to keep his woman happy. In many ways I found the expected gender roles more exhausting than David did during wedding planning, because I was the one who suddenly became public property... everyone felt they had a right to comment on our wedding to me, all the time. But for men there is something quieter, and just as insidious at work.

Take this book that I saw this week called Porn For The Bride. It's working title was clearly called "Whoops! You're Marring A Douchebag!" It was filled with little statements that apparently brides would love to hear, and grooms would never say. There were the sexist winners like, 'No, I don't think $5,000 is too much for a cake!' (because we're flighty spendthrifts, obviously), but then there were the far more insidious, 'I think it will be so much more meaningful if we write our own vows,' because obviously weddings aren't supposed to mean anything to men, or 'Look honey! I bought new shoes, because I think our wedding day is that important.' Which is a double whammy. David isn't supposed to think our wedding day is important AND he's not supposed to care about new shoes? Which is really too bad for him, since he bought Italian leather boots, and I wore heels from the back of my closet.

And then there are conversations like this one, sent in by reader Melanie.

So, today my partner met a work colleague of mine for the first time. Conversation went roughly like this:

'Hey, I'm Mel's partner'

'Oh, hey, so you guys are getting married this year right?'

'Yep'

'So how're you feeling about that?'

'Excited, and a bit scared, but it'll be great'

When he told me this later, I said 'really? you're scared?'

And he said 'No, but if you don't say that, people think you're lying or that you have no idea what you're getting yourself into'

These pre and post marriage conversations aimed at men slowly break my heart. Because our poor men. They deserve so much more in life than what they are supposed to feel. They deserve so much more out of their weddings, and out of their marriages. And until they get it? Well, we're all suffering together.

Your Wedding Is Not An Imposition

This is too important to bury in the comments. So here we go:

YOUR WEDDING IS NOT AN IMPOSITION.

Did you get that? It's not an imposition on *anyone.* And let me tell you why. It's not because your guests will have fun at your wedding (though, duh, they will), it's because your guests are grown-ass people. They are GROWN UPS. If your wedding is too expensive, or too far away, or just too much of a bother? They won't come. If you're lucky, they'll be very kind when they tell you about it. If you're not lucky? Then you didn't want them there anyway (try to remember that mid-sob, it was hard for me.)

But the people that come to your wedding? Well, let me quote the wise Marisa-Andrea, "This is what I have learned: The people who love you and care about you will not feel like your wedding is a burden or an imposition. They will be thrilled that out of all of the people you could have invited, you want THEM. The (editors note: FEW) people who do feel burdened -- eh. You are always going to have someone who isn't satisfied.*"

And if they are not grown ups? If they are quite small? Well. I trust you are serving cake and punch and giving them room to run around? If so, they'll remember your wedding fondly for the rest of their lives, and they'll hope one day their wedding will be just like it.

*Ass-hats.

Your Wedding Is Not A Show

I've heard a lot of talk on APW lately about people's fear of being the center of attention on their wedding day, and I thought we needed to chat. Because here is the thing: the whole wedding industry is built around this idea that the wedding is a SHOW, and you are the STAR(s). Which... of course that's enough to make an introverted girl freak out. But more to the point, we're so stuck in this idea of the wedding as a show, that we put a huge amount of thought, energy, and stress into the idea of entertaining our guests.

But here is the thing: Your wedding is not a show.

Before we get into this, let me just state my biases up front. Both David and I have our degrees in theatre and co-produced several shows, and a gala. And, for the record, I have never, since the beginning of time, been scared of being the center of attention. But. But. I did not feel like the center of attention on our wedding day, and it was wonderful.

Weddings are about two things, and we only ever talk about one. Weddings are about everyone gathering to see two people make vows of lifetime commitment, and to celebrate that. But weddings are also about something else - they are about old friends and family getting together, sharing stories, catching up, hugging, laughing, talking... and making new friends, and creating new memories. The two of you are the reason why everyone is gathered together, but (blessedly) when a wedding goes right, it is about so much more than the two of you. The secret is that a happy wedding looks like this:Or like this: The bride and groom are not the center of attention, but they are the reason.

So if your wedding is not a show, or a constant-entertainment-marathon, you don't need to worry if your guests will be bored if you don't provide *something to do* (croquet, board games, scavenger hunts, mixers, dancing, mad libs, god knows what), you don't need to worry about finding a substitute for dancing if you don't want to have dancing (as David wisely weighs in, "There is no substitute for dancing. You either have it or you don't. That's it.") Because this is what no one tells you: no matter what you provide for your guests to do (we provided dancing) many, many, many of them will want nothing more than to sit back, to talk, to laugh, to reminisce. I know our wedding was successful because we have pictures of old friends, hanging out, looking like this:So be showy if you want to (I understand showy). Provide entertainment if you want to (I understand entertainment), but remember, in the end if your guests decide what they really want to do is laugh, and drink, and tell tales? You've done your job. One day, in twenty years, the story they'll be spinning will be the story of your wedding. And there will be laughter, and faraway looks, and maybe even a few happy tears of memory.

So don't worry about being the center of attention. Because you're not really. You're just the center. And that will be enough.

Top two photos by the always fabulous Lillian and Leonard, bottom of our wedding by One Love Photo

The Lazy (and possibly cheap) Girls Guide To Have A Blog-Chic Wedding

I've been hearing a lot of you stress out about having a blog-chic wedding. You want it, you think, maybe, but you're a little unclear how you get it. It seems stressful, and like it probably involves a lot of crafting, and you're not even sure what else, so you're going to put a bunch of things on your to-do list, and maybe rent a barn and hope you cover the bases.

Right. So, I don't care if you have a blog-chic wedding. Aesthetics are just aesthetics, not ethics. But. I thought I'd break it down for you, in case you've been stressing. And are lazy. And maybe broke, or just cheap. (I was both) Here we go:

• Marry someone you like. This is key. A wedding where the couple looks like, "Seriously, on further thought, this was sort of a dubious idea..." Not chic. Well, until it becomes wedding industry chic, but thank god that innovation has not yet hit the market.
• Get a stylish photographer. Not an expensive photographer necessarily, but a stylish one. A talented photographer can make a hot mess look like the most stylish thing you've ever seen. For reals (see: stunning pictures of me having a meltdown at our pre-wedding picnic) Alternative: Give your friends Polaroids or Holgas or other weird cameras.
  

Ok. Unless you're type-A, you can take a nap from now till the wedding. Yes, I know you've been taught to think that you have to *craft* and *think up cleaver details* and *have innovative save the dates* but you don't. Your wedding is now blog-stylish. Poof!

Buttttt for the type-A's out there (hey girlfriends!), I'll continue.

• Get an interesting dress. Or pants suit. Outfit, I mean outfit. Notice I didn't say 'wedding dress' or 'expensive dress' or even 'white dress.' It can be any of these things or none of these things, but the key is that it's interesting. It can be any dress that makes you say, "hummm. Now that is something interesting." But if you want to go the extra mile, make women look at it and starting pulling out handfuls of their hair while they wildly search the internet trying to discover a dress like it (Been there. So. Many. Times.) Bonus points: vintage, so there is no way for anyone to ever find a dress/outfit quite like it (cue: hair ripping)
  
• Get an interesting venue. Affordable options: guerrilla beach weddings, guerrilla park weddings, cool court house weddings, weddings under overpasses, near taco trucks, in a parents backyard, in fields, in someones house. Slightly more pricey options: in restaurants, non-guerrilla places in parks, the zoo, a circus, a castle (cheap in the right countries), old churches. Possibly wildly expensive options: Barns, museums, summer camps, farms, the family estate, a schooner in the middle of the ocean. Bonus points: having a wedding someone has never had a wedding before.
• Have fun.
  

And that's it. Seriously. You can chuck the crafts, the invitations, the details, the flowers. You can chuck it all. The real secret is that confidence makes you the coolest, and a hip photographer makes you look hip.

Now go forth and have a blog-chic wedding. Or don't. Who cares. But stop stressing about it, because I just told you how.

Ever Worry That You Don't Feel Like A Bride?

Here is why: you're not one.

The bride gig lasts for eight to twelve hours. It may not feel the way you expected, but trust me, you'll notice the feeling. And if you really pay attention, that one day of being a bride will be enough for a lifetime.

PS I of course, was never a bride. Just person A.

In Praise Of The Slow Wedding (And A Slow Life)

Kathryn of Snippet & Ink is back to posting inspiration boards again after a long break, and she is creating little works of art (yay!) But, what's been more moving to me is that as her own wedding inches closer, she's been focusing more simpler smaller weddings, and on the fact that simplicity does not have to sacrifice style. This week, she posted a link to Gia Canali's post 'Notes Towards A Slow Wedding,' where she said "Let’s take it easy. Do a few things well. Make your wedding one where you can enjoy good food and the company of good friends and family. After all, that’s why you’re having a wedding with people attending."

Ahhhh.... a slow wedding. Now that is something important. For those of you who are not familiar with it, the Slow Food Movement was born as a reaction to, well, the FAST food movement. It brought focus to the means in which we produce food, it's quality, textures, and tastes. It focuses on food as pleasure, food as a central part of our lives, food as quality not as quantity.

David and I literally had a slow food wedding. Our caterer is part of the slow food movement, in our food was local, organic, and cooked with care. I don't know if food was central to the experience of our wedding (though everyone still talks about how good it was), but food is central to our lives together, so it seemed only natural that we would focus the bulk of our wedding resources on food. That's just us. But this post isn't in praise of the slow food wedding. This post is in praise of the slow wedding.

I have a really hard time summing up what I write about here. Sometimes people try to pigeonhole me into writing about budget weddings, but that's not really it. I don't even like the *term* budget wedding, for goodness sakes. What I care about is that each of us to feel empowered to have weddings filled with simplicity, grace, and joy. I want us to feel empowered to have weddings that are focused on love, on why we are all gathered to celebrate. And it's incredibly important to me that we ALL feel that this is within our reach, whether we have $500 to spend, or our parents are insisting that we spend $50,000. No matter what, that grace and that singularity of purpose should be available to each of us.So it may be that what I'm really writing about is Slow Weddings. Take a look at this definition of Slow Food from the movement's website:

We believe that everyone has a fundamental right to pleasure and consequently the responsibility to protect the heritage of food, tradition and culture that make this pleasure possible. Slow Food is good, clean and fair food. We believe that the food we eat should taste good; that it should be produced in a clean way that does not harm the environment, animal welfare or our health; and that food producers should receive fair compensation for their work.

I believe the same things about weddings. I think we each have a fundamental right to joy at our weddings. I think that joy is about the simple things, and about paying attention to what you have. I believe that it is more important that we work with producers (in this case vendors, or wedding elves) that we respect, and that we treat them fairly and compensate them with a living wage that reflects the fact that this is their life's work. It's more important to me to pay people that I fairly than to make sure I get the best deal. And for us, with the resources we had, that meant picking a few things and doing them well.

We had amazing food.

We had a carefully crafted ceremony.

We have exquisite photography.

And we had joy.

And with all of that, it was impossible to notice the flaws in my homemade bouquet, the way my dress wrinkled under the bust line because I hadn't sent it off to a professional seamstress,the fact that we had our yichud in a parks & rec bathroom, our ipod play list, our simple cake, or our lack of favors.

So figure out what your doing with your wedding, what simple elements it boils down to, and then do those things well. Take a deep breath, slow down, pay attention. Put care into the things you value, and no one will ever notice the things that you don't have. Or to put it simply: you have what you need.

Pictures: Important slow small moments from our wedding, as captured by Heather & Jon of One Love Photo, fittingly on their slowest of slow manual focus Hasselbald medium format camera.

What I Think About "Wedding Styling"

I just received an email from a graduate student in marketing (as far as I can tell) , wanting to know what I thought about wedding styling, and wedding stylists. WEDDING STYLING. You know, when you hire someone to make your wedding look like someone else's vision of cool, or pretty, or acceptable.

Can we talk about this crap? Can we talk about this new fresh hell that the wedding industry is trying to inflict on us? Because f*ck me. Seriously. In case you're wondering, my response was that I thought wedding styling was 'a cynical manipulation of women's insecurities at a vulnerable transitional state in their lives.' Not that I'm at all, you know, opinionated on that. Or that the idea that people are now trying to sell you wedding styling makes me so enraged that I want to run around and stick scissors into peoples eyes. Or anything.

East Side has said it better that I have, so just for your reference:
Your wedding is not a photoshoot
and
They were just smart enough to capitalize on what the cool girls have been doing forever

So. In short. Do not let wedding blogs, wedding magazines, wedding planners, other peoples wedding pictures, wedding porn, or F*cking wedding stylists make you feel insecure about your own style and your own taste. I'm here to tell you that YOU ARE A COOL GIRL, and that your taste is always going to be infinitely cooler and more authentic then someone who makes you feel insecure about yourself so you'll hire them to make you feel better. Period.

(Climbs off soapbox and puts it away. For now.)

Picture: This is what a cool girl looks like. The real thing. Not some fake styled B-S. (Peony::Love herself as shot by her sister on Polaroid. The whole wedding is back here.)

Amen.

You get to a point where there's not much you can do but put on your fancy party dress,* a pair of fabulous shoes and grab a bottle of cheap champagne to swig with your girls on the way to meet your groom. - Cyd

*Once you start thinking of it as your party dress, the whole thing gets so much simpler. And better.

The "F*ck It" Moment

Our previous Rabbi had a story about being a parent of three daughters that I always loved. With their first child, every time she dropped her pacifier, he and his wife would pick it up, boil some water, drop the pacifier in the water to sterilize it, and then give it back. Every. Time. Then when their second daughter was born, they were tired. They were not first time parents. When she was a few months old, she dropped her pacifier, his wife picked up and paused. Their eyes met across the room, and our Rabbi said, "F*ck it."* And they wiped that sucker off and popped it right back in the kids mouth.

Let me put it this way: David and I are "F*ck it" people. We work hard, we organize, we plan. But TRUST ME, we'll do that with our *first* kids pacifier. So, why am I telling you this? I'm telling you this because if you do not have a "F*ck it" moment before your wedding day dawns, it will not be as fun as it should be, period.

What went wrong at our wedding? Lots of stuff. I'm going to echo one of the best books of all time, Alexander And The Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day, and give you a litany: For starters, the breakfast we ordered at our hotel was an hour late, because they couldn't figure out how to make pancakes. We were late to our wedding, and we hate being late. We had to take group pictures, and I hate taking group pictures. I did not feel grounded before the Ketubah signing, I did not know how to write my Hebrew name, and my pen ran out of ink. When lining up for the aisle walk, we found out the sound system hadn't arrived, and we needed the sound system. While we were waiting, I noticed that the caterers had forgotten the table number sign holders. I was nervous walking down the aisle, and I hate being nervous. I dropped David's ring. Part of my bouquet came unwrapped. When taking pictures after the ceremony, we saw some of our friends walked in late - they had missed the whole service. Older people didn't dance. Some people left early. They blew bubbles at our send off, and I hate bubbles.

And you know what? I had a fan-freaking-tastic time. I'd had my "F*ck it" moment well before our wedding day, and I did. not. care. In fact, some of the things that went wrong I thought were hilarious. Dropping David's ring during the service? I'll remember that forever.

So if you're a perfectionist, it's time to let that go. Marriage isn't perfect, and your wedding sure as hell isn't going to be. But it's going to be amazing, because f*ck it, you're there to have the time of your life.

*Yeah. Liberal Judaism is rad like that. Our rabbi definitely told us this story in person.

Wishes

One of the great things about this blog (and something I don't have enough time to do as much as I would like) is clicking back through to your blogs when someone leaves a particularly kind or smart comment. That's how I discovered the dear-to-me Amanda of First Milk. Most recently I got a comment from Sarah, and clicked through to find the "i do" chronicles, which is notable not because it's a wedding blog, but because Sarah is such an excellent writer. I wanted to share this snippet about her husband's nieces at their wedding, because it was so lovely I teared up right away when I read it:

I love this photo of all of Patrick’s little nieces standing around us. We were waiting for our first dance, and they were all looking at us with that sense of awe. Later, after we returned from the Bahamas, we were sifting through notes that guests left for us. A sign and a jar marked "wishes" greeted guests at the door of the reception, inviting them to leave “wishes, memories, or a bit of wisdom for the bride and groom.” Most of the note cards contained traditional words: “We wish you a life of love and happiness.” And then we pulled out the first little wish. “I wish for a dog, elly,” said one, a name scrawled below the wish. And then another: “I wish I go to Hollywood.” And finally, “I WANT A PERSON.” That last one really moved me. If we are lucky, we find a person -- to love, honor, to care for. Isn’t that what we all want? Someone. And that’s the magic of a wedding.

What Really Matters

(I wrote this post, and then I was afraid I shouldn't post it, because it was too boring. But then I thought, oh h*ll. Why don't we talk about what's really important, amidst all the posts about dresses and flowers and shiny rings. Let's talk about it, even if it's not flashy and just true.)

So the interesting thing about having some downtime before the wedding, is it's given me space to really step back from the details of this party we're planning and look at the big picture. Here is what I've seen: All this wedding stuff? This stuff I've been thinking about and planning? It's just stuff. It's really cool stuff mostly - dresses and hand made ties and micro-brewed beer, but it's not the point, and soon it will be gone, or tucked away. What matters is both more ethereal and more solid all at once.

Our service. We've been working on it for months and months, but the last few weeks I've felt like I've lived inside it. It will be over in thirty-ish minutes, but it will be in our hearts for the rest of our lives. I haven't written too much about it, because there are some things that are just too personal to write about publicly, but this is where the soul of the wedding lives. This is why we are doing this crazy public act.

Our families. We got to spend a weekend with both of our families in a beautiful vacation home up in sunny Russian River over the fourth of July weekend. We were there for another family event, but it turned out to be just perfect - a quiet moment before the wedding. I'm hoping that amidst the busyness of the wedding, there is some of that quiet energy of important people in our lives coming together, because really, that's the why we are throwing the party.

Our Friends. We have some good friends in tough straights these days. The economy sucks, and life can be tough. So we've decided we can cut nicer shoes, or fancy paper for the programs or whatever we need to cut, and get them all a d*mn hotel room, or buy them a cheap plane ticket. Because we just want them there, with us.

Us. These days we're working on the un-romantic nuts and bolts of things: getting our living wills notarized, and figuring out how to combine our finances. Stuff that will last far longer then the wedding, ideas that will stabilize our partnership. Boring? Yes, even to us. But important and stabilizing to focus on.

And that's not even going into the best wedding planning experience we've had - marriage counseling, because that deserves a whole post of it's own.

What really matters in this crazy world of weddings to you? What is the real and the true that you don't hear people talking much about? Dish.

Your Wedding, Your Budget

Ok, off you go. Time to read East Side's little rant about how judging people because you think they spent too much on their wedding is just as bad as judging them because you think they spent too little. She says exactly what I think, and clearly. Best post I've read quite awhile.

People often take the title of this blog (which was, for the record, a happy accident,* not a manifesto) as some sort of statement that you have to have a "budget" wedding (whatever that means) or else. But your budget is different from my budget. It's based on a million factors: what you make, what you have saved, what your jobs are, if your family is contributing, how many people you're inviting, your free time, your location, your and your family's health, and just what you feel like spending, all of which are NO ONE ELSE'S BUSINESS. Period.

Because here is what this blog is really about: being grounded, being sensible, being thoughtful. And you cannot put a price tag on that.

Now GO. East Side says it better than I do.

*David had a political blog called Practical Progress. And I was starting to think much of the wedding stuff I had access to was capital C Crazy.

Love & Choice & Power

Long time reader Erica sent me an email with these words:

A Practical Wedding has helped me to keep my sister sane as she is planning her wedding. I feel like every wedding conversation I have with her starts with her seriously stressing over something silly like whether it's okay for her fiance to have a different number of groomsmen than she has bridesmaids, and ends with me telling her that there are no rules she needs to follow in planning her wedding. She can do whatever she wants.

This past weekend, my boyfriend and I got engaged. Then the barrage of questions started and the input on how we should do things began. Instead of stressing me out, they just rolled right off of my back. I know the questions and demands will only get worse, and not everyone will be happy with the non-traditional choices we make for our wedding, but now that I know there is a whole army of people out there who agree with me, and support our right to do things our way, it's not so hard to take other people's unhappiness with our decisions.

Which brings motivated me to get down on paper something I've been wanting to say about wedding planning for a long time.

First of all, lets not kid ourselves, for most of us wedding planning can be tough. There are days when nothing seems right, when everyone has an opinion, when life events make this party you are planning seem so small, when you can't figure out how to afford things, when vendors are flat out horrible to you. There will be those days. And those days are normal.

But for me, in the end, wedding planning has turned out to be all about making choices. It's about claiming the life that you want in the middle of a world that is telling you about the life that you should have. Let me say this loud and clear: No one can tell you how to live, and you pick the life you want. A marriage is, in many ways, the one of the few times in our lives when we make a big conscious decision about who we are, and what we want, and who we love. And, as much as people view love as magic, love and choice all mixed up together are a powerful powerful brew, and people are scared by it.

So they'll tell you that you need to wear a big poufy dress, or have a steak dinner, or throw a garter, and and and and and. But you don't. And you shouldn't trust people who say you need X to have a wedding, just like you shouldn't trust people who say you can't have X to have a wedding. You shouldn't trust people who tell you how much or how little you need to spend, or what you need to wear, or the vows you need to make.

If I've learned one thing planning this wedding, its this: The times that you say 'NO, that is not who we are, that is not what we want' will be vastly overpowered by the times you say 'YES YES YES, this is who we are, this is what we want, this is how we live'.

Be true to yourself, fearlessly claim the life you want. That's it. That's all. That's the solution to this puzzle.

The Sane Part Of The Mantra

To All My Summer Brides:
Are any of you feeling stressed out by the pressure to be the perfect low-key, no-stress, super-zen practical/indie bride with your wedding right around the corner? Yup. Me too. So whadda say? How about we all let ourselves off the hook a little bit? How about we accept ourselves wherever we are before this important moment in our lives and party? How about we accept ourselves whether we are feeling complicated or simple, joyful or a little sad, stressed or zen? How about we accept it all?

Who is with me?

xo
Meg

P.S. Go read this again. I'm working on the letting go part, and the crossing things off my list part. (Sorry handmade guest book/scrap book - you were a lovely thought.)

P.P.S. I'm feeling quiet and complicated this week, with so much wedding stuff on my plate. So! I thought we'd spend the week doing wonderful, soul soothing, simple weddings, starting tomorrow.

Hatch, Match, Dispatch

When working on our guest list this weekend we took one name off for someone who had died, and added one name on for someone who had been born.

Celebrate what you have while you have it. Come together. That's what we're all doing with these parties we call weddings, in the end.

And what else is there, really?

Claiming Our Feminist/Alt/DIY/Indie Weddings

This weekend, David and I went to a bookstore and somehow ended up sitting on the floor in the wedding section going through piles and piles of wedding books. I'm not totally sure how it happened, but I think it was a little bit like how we sometimes watch Say Yes To The Dress and yell one-liners at the screen and laugh and laugh and laugh. Anyway, laughing at the wedding industry has it's own punishment. Namely, it's really really funny until suddenly it's horrifying.

So there we were, sitting in the bookstore, reading wedding advice back and forth, and suddenly I started feeling really ill. Not, "Oh, this is making me nauseous, ha, ha, ha!" but more, "Oh dear God I'm going to lose it." I think it was right after I had read a tip to David about how "It is critical to think of your wedding as a enormous theatrical event," and while he was reading me a tip about how "Many brides waste literally thousands of their gift dollars by failing to register for the most lucrative items, forcing them to buy these items after the fact."

Cue: nausea.

This bridal book hilarity (or lack there of) haunted me all weekend. Over and over what kept running through my head was "Garbage in, garbage out." We went through almost every bridal book on the shelf, and almost every single one was explicit instructions on how to be a needy, self absorbed, demanding, obsessive bride. In fact, it was worse. Most of the books gently implied that if you didn't start acting and thinking this way, you were a bad bride. (Seriously. It was that bad. It was much much worse that I had ever imagined.)

And this is the way women get trapped between a rock and a hard place. Almost everything in our culture screams, "This is how to be a BRIDE!" and then the minute women start following instructions, they get slapped with the label Bridezilla. No good.

So, because great minds never seem to think alone, after a weekend of pondering this, two excellent posts showed up on the subject. Over at Accordions and Lace, the thinking goes as such:

I wish that making feminist decisions about weddings was a total non-issue, I really do. But ... being a bride is a performative role that is scrutinized by a shocking number of people who it is true, really shouldn’t give a sh*t. But the wedding world is even more conservative and conformist that the regular world (which isn’t exactly a friendly place for feminists in itself).

And Ariel at Offbeat Bride said:

But when you assume that anyone enthusiastically planning a wedding is automatically a victim of outside forces, you're asserting that women can't think for themselves and are powerless against the lures of taffeta and tiaras. That once we see something sparkly, it's all white blindness GIVE ME MATCHING GARTER bridezilla bullsh*t. That if you're planning a wedding, on a certain level … you've already lost your mind. Some people like big parties and are drawn toward extravagant weddings, offbeat or not. Some people hate big parties, and therefore plan a beautiful simple wedding. As long as it's an honest reflection of the couple getting married (and that includes an honest reflection of their budget!) I'm all for both ends of the simple/extravagant spectrum.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

I think the internet is doing and excellent job of starting to allow women (and men) to grab on to the reins of wedding planning, and say, "This. This is mine. And you can eff right off with your double edged swords of crazy gendered rhetoric." I think the internet is allowing women to claim items that, as a traditionally female province are trashed as not important - wedding dresses, cakes, flowers, dancing, whatever, and claim them as real and vibrant and ours. All of this is excellent news. But, I guess I just want to see this philosophy start extending a bit more beyond our computer screens. I want more books like Offbeat Bride or DIY Wedding that can be read and passed from daughter to mother to grandmother to auntie. I want to see a whole lot less garbage in, because I already see that when freed from the bonds of crazy, a whole lot of beautiful celebrations can come out.

So lets do this thing. Lets take back our weddings. Lets take back the way weddings are viewed by our culture at large. When someone asks us about our bridesmaids dresses, maybe we should sweetly say, "Oh dear, no. I'm having a bridal brigade." When people ask us about our cake tastings, it's time to start saying, "Oh, I went with a local bakery. No need to taste." Or when people ask about our beautiful white wedding dress, it's time to nicely say, "It's so pretty and blue, you'll adore it."

Because this wedding stuff? This is ours.

In Praise Of The Particular

A few weeks back, I posted a few reflecting pieces about parts of the wedding planning process that make us insane, managing our stress, and the tyranny of society's current and obsessive compulsive focus on wedding details. After I posted it, Kathryn of Snippet & Ink and I were chatting wedding details, and she said something so thought provoking and true that I had to share it with you:

One of the things your posts this week made me think about was why do I love all of the wedding details? Because I really do love them (well, most of them; there are a chunk that I find absurd). And I realized that it's because I love details in general, I love things that are done thoughtfully and beautifully, that are meaningful, and that are little gifts to other people whether they realize it's a gift or not. And if a bride doesn't feel that way about the details, and if all she feels is pressure and like she doesn't measure up, then that's not thoughtful or meaningful in a good way, and it's not a gift to anyone! People need to remember that their wedding day should reflect who they are, and if for them that means walking down the aisle to Johnny Cash, and not perfectly coordinated vintage stamps, then THAT'S their gift.

Ding, ding, ding! Truth. It made me think back to my days in theatre school, where we spent a lot of time watching and writing personal performance pieces. The most true thing I learned from that experience was that universal things are never true - sweeping generalizations never punch us in the gut or grab us by the soul. The universal is always in the deeply particular. I think its this way with weddings to. If we make an effort to focus on living up to outside standards and come up with details we think we are supposed to have - whether they are flowers, or cake, or favors, or vintage stamps, we are just creating generic wedding stuff. Another invitation with cute vintage stamps, another set of monogrammed cookie favors, another shoe shot. It's not particularly meaningful to anyone except *maybe* the bride, and it will slowly drive the bride (if she is at all like me) out of her mind trying to live up. But, if instead, we strive to create a wedding that reflects who we are and what we value, we will, without trying, create details that will form an indelible impression in our guests minds, details that will be a gift.

You all know that I don't love favors. Well! In the wedding I featured yesterday, Ninon gave out favors of the honey that was her mother's favorite honey before she died. On top of the honey she wrote: 'Life is Sweet' with their wedding date. That, my friends, is the favor to beat all favors. That is the detail to beat all details. It wasn't about fussy ribbon tied around the honey jars (which during one wedding blackout she obsessed over), it was about giving her guests something that was deeply part of who she was. When I look at that favor I don't think "I need to come up with a favor as great as that." I don't even think, "Oh boy, I better find a favor, quick!" Instead I'm overwhelmed with the deep love Ninon showed for her mother, her guests, her family. I want to be more bravely honest with my wedding. That is what details can do.

For us, we're not working to create details, but to create meaningful rituals. I'm finding that out of these rituals details are being created inadvertently, but with great intention: the handmade wedding dress, the cake with blackberries and dahlia's, cutting the cake with my grandfather's saber, a huppah made with saplings. These are not details created to look good in a photo, but details that are close to our heart.

So Kathryn is right and I, up to a point, was wrong. It's not details that are the problem, it's how we approach the details. Strive to give of yourself, it is all the gift that your guests will want.

Photo by Jenny Ebert, from Ninon and Dan's wedding

The List: The 4-5 Months Out Version

As my wedding approaches, I've decided to introduce a new blog feature. I'm calling it "the list." If you are a bride, you are in the possession of at least one wedding list. I'm looking at mine now, as published by a major bridal publication. I thought, before these lists gave us a collective nervous breakdown or a full blown anxiety disorder, we should discuss it. You know, as a group. Because I'm not sure what is more ridiculous: the items on the list, or the fact that they break down every item into 55 silly steps, making you think that buying your shoes will take a month of your time. I plan to only be in love with the person I'm marrying at the wedding, not the person I'm marrying and my shoes and my dress and my caterer and the favors and the DJ and the best-bridesmaids-dresses-ever andandandandand....

I'm on the "4-5 months before" page. Here is a short list of my recommended activities for the month:

* Book the rehearsal dinner venue (it's a welcome picnic in our case, and the meadow is reserved. Also, can I point out this is not obligatory?), and the venue for the day-after brunch (No. No, no, no. The day after the wedding is my time. I'll be doing exactly what I please.)
* Checking on the wedding invites (ok, this actually seems fair)
* Select and order a cake - attend several tastings (really, several??)
* Get "showered" (I will be, but that's not on *my* list, I just show up. Also? Totally not required. But anyway, list points out I should do this now, because they have PLANS for me in the coming months, and I will not have free time. Any free time.)
* Purchase shoes and start dress fittings (really? Does purchasing shoes take months and deserve it's own line item? And how hard is it to make a dress fit? Anyway, since we made mine, its going to fit. I do need to sew on some lace though. And make a veil. But these items don't seem to make the list.)
* Make sure to insure your engagement ring. (First of all: any ring worth so much I had to insure would be part of a down payment on a house (or a boat, fun!))
* Schedule hair and makeup artists. Make a few trial appointments with local experts. Take photos so you can remember exactly how you looked. Go out to a fancy dinner after each trial. (A Few? Ok. At this point I'm starting to wonder if they are aware I have a job, and a non-wedding life. Suddenly they are booking up every moment of every weekend. Also, this is getting unbelievably expensive, and we haven't even hit the wedding yet.)
* Choose Songs. Songs for when the wedding party is introduced. Songs for during dinner. Songs for getting the party started. Keep a running list of songs you do and do not want played. Are you OCD? If not, become OCD. (See, this is nervous breakdown material. Apparently I need to hire a Hollywood pro to write a multi-hour soundtrack. Ack. Ack.)
*Grooms: Give all of the groomsmen the information they need to buy and/or reserve their attire. (Um, we told them suits. Do we need to walk them to the store? Whattheh*ll.)
* Brides: Choose your bridesmaids' accessories (shoes, gloves, etc.) and either purchase or pass along purchasing information (Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Gloves? Right.)
* Brides: Experiment with your beauty routine, self-tanners, and facials. (Wait. Excuse me. Full stop:

DID I JUST GET ASKED TO TRY OUT SELF TANNERS? Girlfriend, please.)

* Plan welcome baskets for guests. A few ideas: a detailed itinerary, a list of restaurants in town, transportation options, locally produced gourmet foods, a hand drawn (really!??!) map of local attractions, a sweet smelling candle to freshen the room. (are you effing kidding me? What now I'm a travel agent too? I can't assume that my guests are full grown adults who can figure out how to take a bus and find a restaurant. Sweetbabyjesus. Why did I even sign up for this?)
*Make or buy favors. Allow extra time for custom-made favors (i.e., chocolates in a preprinted box). (Well, I don't even need to comment on this. Favors send me into a blackout rage period. But wait. Wait. A PREPRINTED CHOCOLATE BOX? Why did I even bother with those six cake tastings if I'm just serving chocolates? GARRRRR!)

And just wait till next month. The three month list will require me to quit my job, get some heavy duty anxiety meds, and hire a wedding planner. It should be good times.

Yesterday Erika had this to say about the infamous check lists: And when you login to the Knot it tells you "you have 93 items due this month" or whatever. Gawd, it is THE WORST. Total blackout. So, please, share. What it the most ridiculous thing on your "wedding checklist"?