Engagements And Proposals, Part II

I was shocked, and really sort of heartbroken last week when we talked about proposals for the first time. Why? Well, because so many of you commented, or emailed me to say that you hadn't had the reaction you expected after the proposal, and you were overwhelmed with guilt.

Whoa. We are clearly laboring under a collective illusion here of 'how you should feel', and we need to stop.

Here is the thing, getting engaged is big, and it can feel disorienting. Add to it the fact that there is enormous cultural pressure around engagements, which can make it end a little like a four year old's birthday party, with lots of cake and lots of tears. And that's FINE. I'd go so far to say it's probably pretty normal. As long as you agree you want to spend the rest of your lives together (wheeee!), then you have the rest of your lives to plan Enormous Romantic Gestures (if that's your thing), with far less stress.

As I was talking about this with someone older and wiser this week, she pointed out the "duh" advice, which I'd somehow missed. If your proposal was a little rough, if you freaked out a bit, or you didn't feel like your emotional needs were met, or your partner felt a little let down... SIT DOWN AND TALK ABOUT IT. Because no, you probably don't need a do-over (you decided to get married, right? That's the important bit), but you also don't want that sadness hanging around and hiding in corners for years and years.

And so you feel less guilty more brave, and maybe more ready to have a chat, some family examples:

When David and I got engaged, I was all giddy and over the moon. There are pictures, so there is proof. And then I went into emotional shock. Not shock like 'Oh, I'm so surprised!' but shock like 'Oh, my arm just got cut off.' By which I mean I started shaking so hard that David suggested I sit down, and then once I sat down I started sobbing. Not happy sobbing, sobbing-sobbing. Oh right, and then two days later I spent a whole morning crying, because, "I was pretty sure engagement wasn't supposed to feel like crying, but I was crying, and that was wrong, so I should probably cry some more." And then David found me crying and explained that there is no "should" for emotions, but regardless I was going to have to get up off my ass and go do something, because three hours of crying is more than enough for one day.

Bad right? Um. No. I get the gold medal for best engagement reaction in my family.

My mom has given me permission to tell you that when my dad proposed she said, and I quote, "Um. Probably yes, but can I think about it for a week?"

Haaaaaaaa.

Horrible.

And they celebrated 35 happy years this December. So stop feeling guilty already. And go talk. Or apologize. Or whatever the heck you need to do. And then let it go already. There are no 'shoulds,' and wedding planning is hard enough without proposal guilt.

(Next: proposal stories that made me grin)
Picture: by me, from the time I proposed to David

Engagements And Proposals, Part I

Many of you have been asking me for months and months to start a conversation about getting engaged. Since we started wedding undergraduates yesterday, it seems fitting to move a step backwards: to the wedding sandbox, if you will.

First, let me say that I think there are two lines of cultural chatter about engagements, and if it is even possible, I think they are more screwed up than our cultural dialogue about weddings. The first is, in short, that a guy has to do something TOTALLY INSANE to wow you, and that the quality of your love and your manliness will be judged by that, and by the size of the rock. Your job in this scenario is to wait patiently (duh), and save your energy for how totally insane YOU will need to go while planning the wedding. Fabulous. The second line of chatter is, very simply, that if you get proposed to by a man, you are not a feminist (excuse me?) let alone practical (whatever that means).

So. Obviously I think both of those lines of thought are (as one of my acting teachers used to dryly put it) maybe-not-so-helpful. What would *my personal* alternative line of thought be? Well, first I'm going to quote recent wedding graduate Cara and say that the first rule of getting engaged should be, "Know thyself and be thyself." The second rule of getting engaged should be open and clear communication with your partner.

What do I mean by that? Well, let me talk you through how we thought about our engagement. First of all, we had a proposal. By which I mean, David proposed to me. Why? Well, I wanted that to happen. Perhaps I read too many Victorian novels growing up, or perhaps it's just that we're both theatre people and we like big moments, but I wanted a proposal, so I told David that. And then we discussed it a little. He ruled out proposing in public ('makes it look like you're afraid you can't close the deal'* he said). I ruled out him picking a ring for me (as if!) So, as discussed, we both got what we wanted. And he didn't get down on one knee ('too cliche,*' he told me, when I offered my review of the performance afterward).

So then it was just timing. And timing is, in many ways, the real meat of the issue. I heard somewhere recently that, "Being pre-engaged sucks, because you're just waiting on him, and you have no control over the timing." And I swear to god, my head almost exploded. Because you're getting married, it's time to start getting on your-joint-timing, not his-timing or your-timing. And I mean that in a fairly complicated way. To be frank, I was ready to get married before David was ready to get married. I think we both knew from way way back that unless something unexpected happened (like the world exploding), we were probably going to get married. But knowing you want to get married to someone and feeling emotionally ready to get married to someone are two totally different beasts. So what did we do about our timing? Well we handled it the way we handle most of our problems, by which I mean we yelled at each other and then we calmed down and talked it through. During that process, I realized I need to re-adjust a few things in my head, because getting engaged to someone who isn't ready to be engaged is unwise. So was I waiting? Yeah, sort of. But I wasn't waiting because he was the guy and I am the girl, and I wasn't this-is-out-of-my-hands waiting, I was couple waiting... you know, where you sometimes have to slow down a little to let your partner do things at their own speed.

So. What do I have to say to all you that are, achem, pre-engaged? Know thyself and be thyself. Maybe that means saying you want a proposal and knowing you can still be a feminist and want that. Maybe it means you get off your ass already and propose to him (all the best ladies have). Or maybe you say f*ck the proposal and go straight to the engagement (or f*ck the engagement and go straight to the wedding, for that matter.)

And if you haven't had a heart to heart with your partner about this yet, put down the computer and go do it. Finally, I'd say, if you are feeling out of control of the situation, take a deep breath. Being married is like learning to dance with someone: it's not about waiting, it's about timing.

PS Yes, there is more to talk about. Like rings, for example. But I thought that was enough for now.
*I don't think that, don't get offended.

Picture: Knottedrush Ring by Bario Neal. They are a sponsor, but I used this picture because it's one of my all time favorite engagement rings.

Your Wedding Is Not An Imposition

This is too important to bury in the comments. So here we go:

YOUR WEDDING IS NOT AN IMPOSITION.

Did you get that? It's not an imposition on *anyone.* And let me tell you why. It's not because your guests will have fun at your wedding (though, duh, they will), it's because your guests are grown-ass people. They are GROWN UPS. If your wedding is too expensive, or too far away, or just too much of a bother? They won't come. If you're lucky, they'll be very kind when they tell you about it. If you're not lucky? Then you didn't want them there anyway (try to remember that mid-sob, it was hard for me.)

But the people that come to your wedding? Well, let me quote the wise Marisa-Andrea, "This is what I have learned: The people who love you and care about you will not feel like your wedding is a burden or an imposition. They will be thrilled that out of all of the people you could have invited, you want THEM. The (editors note: FEW) people who do feel burdened -- eh. You are always going to have someone who isn't satisfied.*"

And if they are not grown ups? If they are quite small? Well. I trust you are serving cake and punch and giving them room to run around? If so, they'll remember your wedding fondly for the rest of their lives, and they'll hope one day their wedding will be just like it.

*Ass-hats.

Your Wedding Is Not A Show

I've heard a lot of talk on APW lately about people's fear of being the center of attention on their wedding day, and I thought we needed to chat. Because here is the thing: the whole wedding industry is built around this idea that the wedding is a SHOW, and you are the STAR(s). Which... of course that's enough to make an introverted girl freak out. But more to the point, we're so stuck in this idea of the wedding as a show, that we put a huge amount of thought, energy, and stress into the idea of entertaining our guests.

But here is the thing: Your wedding is not a show.

Before we get into this, let me just state my biases up front. Both David and I have our degrees in theatre and co-produced several shows, and a gala. And, for the record, I have never, since the beginning of time, been scared of being the center of attention. But. But. I did not feel like the center of attention on our wedding day, and it was wonderful.

Weddings are about two things, and we only ever talk about one. Weddings are about everyone gathering to see two people make vows of lifetime commitment, and to celebrate that. But weddings are also about something else - they are about old friends and family getting together, sharing stories, catching up, hugging, laughing, talking... and making new friends, and creating new memories. The two of you are the reason why everyone is gathered together, but (blessedly) when a wedding goes right, it is about so much more than the two of you. The secret is that a happy wedding looks like this:Or like this: The bride and groom are not the center of attention, but they are the reason.

So if your wedding is not a show, or a constant-entertainment-marathon, you don't need to worry if your guests will be bored if you don't provide *something to do* (croquet, board games, scavenger hunts, mixers, dancing, mad libs, god knows what), you don't need to worry about finding a substitute for dancing if you don't want to have dancing (as David wisely weighs in, "There is no substitute for dancing. You either have it or you don't. That's it.") Because this is what no one tells you: no matter what you provide for your guests to do (we provided dancing) many, many, many of them will want nothing more than to sit back, to talk, to laugh, to reminisce. I know our wedding was successful because we have pictures of old friends, hanging out, looking like this:So be showy if you want to (I understand showy). Provide entertainment if you want to (I understand entertainment), but remember, in the end if your guests decide what they really want to do is laugh, and drink, and tell tales? You've done your job. One day, in twenty years, the story they'll be spinning will be the story of your wedding. And there will be laughter, and faraway looks, and maybe even a few happy tears of memory.

So don't worry about being the center of attention. Because you're not really. You're just the center. And that will be enough.

Top two photos by the always fabulous Lillian and Leonard, bottom of our wedding by One Love Photo

Wedding Reception Entrances (No, The Don't Have To Be Grand)

I got this excellent question from reader Laura:

I am not a "grand entrance" kind of girl. In fact, I think they are downright silly. And, I'd prefer to stick with the tradition I grew up with (and that my family is used to), in which the first dance is after dinner, not before. The DJ we met with last night and our caterer (who is great, really) are totally confused by this. They think that the party "won't get started" without a big entrance followed by a dance. Are they right? Am I nuts? I just can't see making all my guests watch my new husband and me sway like 6th graders for 3 minutes before allowing them to eat.

Um. No. You are not nuts. I actually AM a grand entrance kind of girl, and there was no way that I wanted any part of that for my wedding. We just were not having that sort of party.

So what did our entrance look like? So, after our ceremony, we had our yichud (do this, people) and then our photographers pulled us aside for five minutes of photographs. And then we wanted to party. We were so excited to party. So we just walked over to the cocktail party going on, like so:And that was it. I'd tell you our first dance happened after lunch and after cake cutting, and it did, technically. But we also snuck away during the cocktail hour to dance to Nina Simone's "I Wish I Knew How It Would Feel To Be Free," just the two of us. Because that's what getting married felt like (especially the last two lines):

I wish I knew how
It would feel to be free
I wish I could break
All the chains holding me
I wish I could say
All the things that I should say
Say 'em loud say 'em clear
For the whole round world to hear
I wish I could share
All the love that's in my heart
Remove all the bars
That keep us apart
I wish you could know
What it means to be me
Then you'd see and agree
That every man should be free

Not Loving Your Wedding, The Follow Up

I opened Pandora's Box last week, asking if people didn't like their wedding. It seems that everyone has some part of the wedding experience that they didn't like - which is not surprising, given that weddings are part of life, and in life nothing is perfect. What's shocking and sad is that women don't feel empowered to mention that they didn't like part (or all) of the wedding and planning, so we endlessly perpetuate the same miserable cycles. "Oh yes, I loved picking out my invitations, you should totally do that." (What you'd like to say, "F*ck invitations. Seriously, forget that sh*t." (slams head repeatedly on the table.)

After reading through all (117 at this writing) comments, and thinking it through, and discussing it was my wedding-partner-in-crime David, I've got some things that need saying:

For the not-yet-wed:

• No matter how many times people tell you that the wedding is YOUR DAY, it's not. The wedding is 'our day.' It's a day for you and it's a day for the people who love you. Make your decisions accordingly. Maybe that means you let your mom invite her cousin that you dislike, because it's really important to her, maybe that means you include a blessing in the service that you otherwise wouldn't. Think of the compromises you make as small gifts, ways to make the day 'ours' instead of 'yours.'
• For all that the wedding is not your day, it is YOUR WEDDING. Period. The wedding planning process is when you start to learn (under fire) one of the key skills of being a full-fledged grown up: standing up for what you want and what you need, gracefully, kindly, but firmly. If you want a courthouse wedding, and your mom wants a big church wedding, you need to remember that it is you and your partner who are getting married, and it is ultimately your emotional needs that need to be met. In the end, if you are happy, your mom will be weepy and happy and sad all at once, just as she should be. On the big scale you need to make choices that are right for you, even if your parents disagree. You'll repeat this over and over in your adult life, making decisions about jobs or parenting or any number of things. You'll make these decisions differently than your parents might wish you to, but following your gut. And then you'll take responsibility for the result - that's the great thing about being a grown up. Because here is the key thing I learned: when people tell you they want you to do XXX, what they really mean is that they want XXX to make you happy, or they want you to be happy doing XXX. If you agree to do it, because you don't want trouble, fully knowing that XXX will make you miserable... nobody wins. So it's your wedding! Be brave, relish your status as a grown up, and stand up for what you need. (And go find a joyful wedding graduate who did something similar to what you want to do, and show them the pictures, so they can really envision it).
  

For those already wed:

• It actually doesn't matter if you liked your wedding. It matters that you can talk honestly about it, it matters that you come to terms with your feelings about it, that you understand what mistakes you made, but it literally does not matter if you liked it. What matters is that you feel empowered to move on, and that you like your marriage. When I was in the last month of planning, dealing with the great dress debacle, I remember sinking down on the couch wearing my soon-to-be-wedding dress, putting my head in my hands, and saying "I'm so g*d-d*mn glad that I only have to do this once in my whole life. This f*cking sucks." And yes. That's the magic of weddings. Once you do it, you never have to do it again. (Or if you do end up having to, you can make a whole different set of mistakes the next time...)
• Didn't like your wedding? Well. Excellent. Because you have a lifetime of entertaining ahead of you, and now you can make each party better than the wedding. It doesn't mean you need a vow renewal, it means you need a great anniversary party, or a 30th birthday party, or a just-because party. It means everything is uphill from here (and isn't that the way you want it to be?)

So stop worrying about screwing it up, because if you do, who cares? Life is too short for regrets. Stop worrying and start playing. Roll up your sleeves, remember what you really wanted in the first place, get messy, create. Because as much as I told you about the mistakes we made? Non, je ne regrette rien.

What I Stressed About For Our Wedding That Was Not Worth It (Lots...)

I spent part of New Years Day curled up on our loveseat reading Miss Manners' Guide To a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding, which was thoughtfully sent over by her publicist. I'll have more details about it next week, just in time for you to buy it fresh off the presses (it is, of course, both excellent and hilarious).

But. In the meantime. Reading the book five months after are wedding let me pause, and think about some of the things that I stressed about that DID NOT MATTER. I ask all the wedding graduates this question, "What did you stress about that did not end up mattering in the slightest?" but I never fully answered it myself. (I'm about to do that, so reader beware: just like I encourage you to make your own choices during planning, I made mine. They might not work for you, but they don't have to. I'm just another wedding grad.) The answer of course is: the big things mattered: the venue we chose, the service we wrote, the guests we had. On the less fun, but just as important side, Logistical things mattered (getting the beer to the site, making sure a sound system was set up, making sure the tables were set up, and on and on.) I really knew better than to stress about the small stuff, and I just should have listened to Miss Manners in the first place, but sometimes I didn't. So. If you don't listen to Miss Manners, perhaps you will listen to me.

What didn't matter for us:

• Save The Dates. On some level I REALLY knew better, but I insisted on them. "People will want them," I justified, "people expect them these days when they have to travel, and our older guests will appreciate the formality." Nonsense. What no one tells you is that people who are not currently in the throws of the married getting *have no idea what they are.* NO IDEA. I do not kid. The number of people who said to us, with some visible confusion, "I got your postcard...?" Is more than I could count. I'm glad we didn't send some hollowed out book full of sand that you had to dig though for a bottle with a secret message or whatever-the-going-thing-was-that-I-was-totally-into, because then people REALLY would have thought we were nuts. We should have picked up the phone, or dropped people and email (which would have been more personal anyway), and been done with it.
• The Wedding Website. We didn't pay for ours (thank god), we just cooked something up on blogger. But, I'm, um, a writer. And when I have the chance to write I literally seem to be unable to control myself. So I wrote a long funny time-line of our relationship (stretching back to the hospital we were both born in). And then I wrote a humorous FAQ about the wedding. And then I wrote tiny humorous descriptions of each of the hotels. And then.... no one ever checked the site. We know because we had endless requests for directions, for information about our registries (I caved and listed them on the site, and I didn't even need to), and for information about what people should wear. It's a good thing I had fun writing it, because those hours were wasted. People want to talk to you about your wedding, they don't want to check a website. No matter how web 2.0 we are, I'm not sure that's ever going to change.
  
• Engagement Pictures. There are good reasons to get these - like you're scared of being in front of the camera, or you want to get to know your photographer, or they are in your wedding package, or your mother will kill you if you don't get them. I, however, would like to live in front of the camera, because I have been a total ham since birth, and the last thing my mom wants is yet more profession pictures of Meg. So, for us there was no logical reason to have them. Luckily, we mostly missed this trap, since we we gave up on the idea early on (though we did get a present of pictures from Emily pre-wedding day). But I wasted time THINKING about them. Should we do mustaches? Should we do signs? Should we make them Save The Dates (achem). Not worth it. Get them if you must, or don't, but don't spend a minute fussing your pretty head about them, or you know, dragging your bedroom set out into the middle of a field to take pictures on top of it wearing an Indian headdress (you laugh, but planning weddings DO THINGS TO YOUR BRAIN). Because once you're married your only thoughts are for your wedding pictures.
  
• Our all local micro-brewed alcohol. I'd like to tell you it mattered, because we care about that stuff, we seriously seriously do. But it didn't. I don't think anyone remembers what they drank, and the case of wine from the local vineyard that we love? Well, it never got opened. Which is lucky I suppose, because we drink a bottle of it every month on the 9th. We call it 'anniversary' wine.
• The rest of the small stuff. Napkins. Escort Cards. Centerpieces. Chairs. Blah, blah, blah. You should have them (Or some of them. No napkins would make a memorable wedding), but you won't remember them. You'll have much better things to remember. So DO NOT WORRY about them.

Which is not to say that everything but your vows are frivolous time wasters. There will be a few things that you really honestly care about. They will surprise you, and they will end up delighting you. These will probably be things that you care about in your real life. And while they won't be life or death, you'll feel your heart strings tug when you think back on them. It turned out that all the time I spent searching for my dress WAS worth it. What I was wearing is all bound up in my memories of the day. Gay men lavished compliments on me (and that's when you know you got it right), people were (oddly) blown away because of how different it was. I adored it, and still do. If I'd spent four grand on the dress, I might be telling you a different story, but at $250? It was worth it for me, all of that time and energy. Or our invitations. We cared about them. Christine, our amazing designer from heaven (and friend) poured love into them. The team of girls who goccoed with me poured love into them. Because of all that care, our guests noticed them, probably because they felt like love. They meant and mean something to me, something big, and they still do. I'm staring at a framed one on my desk now. Which... who would have thought?

So. I don't have any clear suggestions (except skip the Save The Dates). But I can tell you that 90% of the small stuff doesn't matter at all. So look at the small stuff, and if one or two things makes your heart leap with delight when you think of it (me with invitations) or your gut tell you that settling Just Will Not Do (me with the dress) then spend enjoyable moments thinking about those things. And forget the rest.

Unless the rest is napkins. Then just buck up and take care of it.

Ask Me: How Do You Solve A Problem Like My Mother?

So, I know you're not exactly an advice columnist, AND I know you're on blogging break right now and are probably backed up with emails anyway just because you're fabulous. But just in case there happens to be a spot for this anywhere...I don't know where else to turn to out there in the wedding community (because I refuse to write to theknot) when I'm a crying mess of bride-to-be. I tried to bring up wedding budget to my mother and all she did was ignore me and change the subject. She started talking about how she's going to go get a new cell phone. So now I'm a crying mess because my mother doesn't seem to want to talk about wedding stuff at ALL, and I know most girls are frustrated because their moms are over-involved, but y'know, I'd like mine to be involved just a LITTLE bit. I'd like her to at least pretend to care that her youngest daughter is getting married. Point of all this being, my mother and I don't talk. Not about anything serious, anyway. We get along for the most part, but there's a REAL problem area when it comes to real life situations. And this is a real life situation. Before I was engaged, she made a joke about how she hoped I eloped so she wouldn't have to shell out money for a wedding. This is my mother's inappropriate way of hinting that she IS planning on pitching in for the wedding. So, since I was never taught how to HAVE a serious conversation with my mother, I tried to get her to confirm she was contributing the only way I know how - through joking. I went to her saying, "I'm running away! I counted and we have 110 FAMILY members to invite - not even any of our friends, not even the bridal party, JUST family members. I can't afford to feed all those people!". I was hoping for something along the lines of, "Well, you don't have to pay for it all, we're helping." And...I got a conversation about cell phones in return. Long story short, I can't figure out how to find out how much my parents are planning on contributing. Which is going to make a big difference in what we can and can't have. I don't want much. I want to make my own bouquet, I'm making my own dress, our friends are photographing, we're serving a finger food reception. I just want to know how much we can afford to spend on the venue and the finger food, really. I know if I get any advice at all, it's probably going to be a lot of people advising me to just sit down and talk to my mom one-on-one. And I know that eventually, I'll have to. But I don't know how. I doubt very many people understand how INCREDIBLY hard that is, since it really seems like most brides either have wonderful, supportive mothers, or mothers who are way TOO involved. Not mothers who think they're mentally ill if they try to have a normal breakdown. - Mandy

Ok lady. First things first: Not all moms are awesome when it comes to weddings (even normally wonderful moms) and not all families are awesome about weddings (even normally wonderful families). It's just that, um, people lie. It's that simple. It's hard to tell the internet (especially if your not anonymous, achem) about the times that your family is made you mentally ill during wedding planning. So lets just disabuse you of the idea that you're alone on this: you are NOT. (Feel free to raise an anonymous hand in the comments if you feel me on this).

Second of all, there is this wedding planning myth that planning a wedding is a wonderful mother-daughter bonding experience, and its a powerful marketing myth, not so much a reality. I can't tell you the number of fights I had with my mom about wanting her to be more involved, because I did want that. But the reality was, my mom was seriously ill, she was over stressed, and she doesn't like throwing parties. There were still lots of things she was good at - listening, say, and backing up my crazy choices without blinking an eye, but she was never going to be the magical Mother of the Bride I hoped for. She was just going to be herself. In those moments I had to be reminded to rejoice in what I did have (and in my case that was a terrifically involved partner and some fabulous friends). So let yourself off the hook a little bit. Your relationship with your mother isn't going to magically change during wedding planning, no matter how much you wish it would. And that is NOT YOUR FAULT.

Now, on to the issue at hand - parents helping out financially. Ah. Good times, that. First of all, you need to have a serious talk with your fiance, and give some serious thought to deciding if you want your mother to help pay for the wedding. Because here is the thing - if she contributes financially , she is automatically more involved, for better or for worse. (This is fair, by the way. When I give large sums of money I want my opinions heard too.) I am not one of those bloggers that is going to argue that your parents shouldn't pay because it's your day, because bullsh*t. It's everyone's day, no matter what. But think carefully in this case. Very carefully.

And finally. Getting family to talk and think realistically about money (and worse, getting them to believe the astronomical costs of today's *modest* wedding, when even we don't believe it). The best I can recommend is something along the lines of what we did when money conversations got complicated: we calculated and offered two rough budgets. Budget A was how we would throw the party on our own dime in our own un-compromised style (never, never bluff here. This should be an option you are totally comfortable with actually following through on). Budget A often includes things like fewer people or less expensive food (maybe you still invite the 110 family members but just serve them cake and punch on the church lawn, or maybe you only invite 20 of your closest friends and family and take them all out to dinner.)

Budget B is a sensible, realistic plan for meeting family wishes (110 family members and dinner in a traditional venue, lets say). It includes the amount you can contribute, and then the amount family would need to contribute to make the plan feasible. It's still a plan that you are comfortable with, and reflects who you are, but in clearly gives the cost for whatever XXX thing parents *really* want you to have/provide. The great thing about this plan is it lets everyone figure out what their priorities are. Your mom may say, "Heck no. I'm not willing to pay $10K to feed those family members! I don't even like most of them!" and done, courthouse wedding it is. Or, she may say, "It would make me really uncomfortable if you just served family members cake and punch, so let me help pay for the dinner" and done, simple dinner wedding it is.

Or, she may continue to avoid the topic. And if that is the case, let that be your answer. Throw the party that is right for you and your partner - what you can afford and what makes you happy (which you should of course be thinking about anyway) and let the rest go.

Good luck, my dear! Just remember, all those stories about mother daughter bonding over wedding colors? They may be true for someone one, but for most of us? Family remains its sometimes wonderful sometimes difficult self (just amped up) when we plan a wedding.

But at the end, you are rewarded with a brand new family of two. A family that you chose.

xo
Meg

Pre-Marital Counseling, And Why I Think You Should Do It

Many of you (including one Team Practical member who works at the magazine) emailed me this week about the New York Times Magazine cover article yesterday "Married (Happily) With Issues." If you haven't read the article, go do that now. In a way, there is not much to say about this piece of writing. Elizabeth Weil crafted a funny, honest, intimate portrait of her marriage, and trials of trying to use your type-A skills to work on something so ephemeral yet so centrally important as marriage. But the essay reminded me that I'd never talked about premarital counseling, why we did it, and why I think it's important. So, it's high time.

First the facts. We did our premarital counseling with the rabbi of the congregation we are members of, the rabbi who was officiating at our wedding. It was 'free,' by which I mean we pay thousands of dollars a year in support of our congregation, and there is no extra charge for life cycle events, though we did make an additional donation in thanks. (Suddenly paying for it doesn't sound so bad, huh?) And because I know I'm going to be asked: our rabbi is phenomenal, but she only marries and counsels members of her congregation, because she is so swamped I think she never sleeps.

Additional facts: David and I had been together for five years when we got married, lived together for two, and been friends for fourteen, and YES I still think it was the best part of wedding planning. So, NO, I don't think it's just for couples who haven't been together for ages.

In my head, what we'd do in premarital counseling is talk about our issues as a couple (everyone has some, right? I figured yes.) and work on them, and then enter marriage with a clean slate. Or something. I was wrong. What we did talk about in premarital counseling was really practical things, and really important things, such as:

• Living wills, and how each of us wanted to be treated as we were dying.
• Regular wills. Had we made them? Could we go ahead and do that already?
  
• What values we wanted to instill in our children (we made lists), or alternatively what values we wanted to make central to our lives together.
• Inspired by the values exercise, David and I also made lists of our life goals, and them compared them. Interestingly, lots of them were the same. Of those goals that were the same, we figured we would go ahead and get started... and our honeymoon ended up being the very first shared goal on that list. Awwww....
  
• How we felt about monogamy, and what our attitudes and approaches would be if one of us slipped up.
• What we would do if we felt our marriage was in crisis.
• Would we agree upfront that we would both attend marriage counseling if the other partner requested it, even if our marriage was not in crisis?
• Kids. Did we want them? Had we discussed a time line? Had we thought about what we would do if we discovered we were infertile? How did we feel about adoption?
• Money. Had we thoroughly discussed our attitudes about it with each other? Had we talked about budgeting and debt?
• What our relationship meant to each of us. Our rabbi asked us to go home, and each write a statement privately about our relationship. When we came back, she had us read the statements out loud to each other. Let me just say, they were more similar than I could have guessed, and while they were both very unsentimental, we cried.
  

And divorce. We talked about divorce. Because here is the thing: I don't think you have any business getting married unless you have sat down and had a long frank talk with your partner about divorce. How do you feel about it? Has it happened to anyone in your family? How do you feel about that? Do you feel like it is an option in your life? If so why, when, how? And when you talk about divorce, I'd really suggest that you have a professional sitting across the table from you, challenging you to think even harder, because divorce is a huge and difficult subject.

When it came up in our sessions, I said something like, "DIVORCE IS NOT AN OPTION EVER IT IS TOTALLY OFF THE TABLE PERIOD." And then there was a pause, and our rabbi said, "Meg. Divorce is written into the Jewish Ketubah. (editors note: The traditional Ketubah language dates back thousands of years, and was one of the first marriage documents to give woman specific and protected rights. Among these rights is the right that, under certain conditions, a woman will be granted a religious divorce, and that her husband will be required to financially provide for her.) Our rabbi then went on to talk about cases that she'd seen in which divorce was actually a mitzvah (a good deed). This was challenging. This was confusing. This was thought provoking. This is a conversation I'm really glad we had before we walked down the aisle. I do not think you should get married until you've talked about divorce. I mean it.

There are as many kinds of marriage counseling as there are people who do it. There is helpful counseling, and there is... less than helpful counseling. (We had friends who's counseling consisted of a pastor giving them a Myers-Briggs Personality Test to see if they were a good match. As our friend said at the time, "We're getting married next month. Isn't it a little late to be taking a compatibility quiz?") But here is what I really think: Wedding planning is fraught with stupid questions. Chairs, for example, or what length your gown should be. Marriage is fraught with things that really do matter. Taking some time in the middle of the planning to talk about the reality of your lives together, and to ask yourselves hard questions? Well, that's a gift. So if you can, go find someone, and talk. It will be worth every penny, even if you think you already have everything figured out.

The day of our last counseling session I showed up frazzled. I'd just gotten a quote for getting my hair and makeup done that was, I swear to god, $700. I'd just had a silly conversation with my mom where she tried to talk me into outfitting a table full of toys for the kids at the wedding (as if all they wanted to do wasn't to eat cake and run around after each other and hide in flower beds that were totally off limits). I was at my wit's end. And then our rabbi asked us to go into the hall outside her office and practice walking down the aisle, and circling each other. We giggled like little kids, we got teary, we felt ridiculous, and we gasped at how huge this thing was that we were about to do. And I realized once and for all that the other sh*t? Well, it just didn't matter.

The Morning Wedding: Whys and Wherefores

I've been meaning to write a post about the hows and whys of a morning wedding, and an email from Team Practical member Sarah has reminded me to do it, so here we go.

First of all, we had no intention of having a morning wedding. David and I define a good party by how much we get to dance (and drink) and I'd always figured that you get to dance and drink more at night. Done. Or, not really done, actually. When we first looked at our venue, we had one of those moments of revelation. I walked in and I turned to David (who wasn't even inside the venue yet, poor thing) and said, "This place is for me. This is our place. We're getting married here." And when you know, you know. The thing is, our venue happens to be one of the most beautiful in the bay area, and staggeringly affordable (ONLY for the bay area) since it's run by Parks and Rec. So, it books up a year and a half in advance. And even though we booked it a year and a half in advance, Saturday evenings were already gone. So, Sunday morning it was. Good for religious reasons,* but I was dubious.

Fast forward a year and a half, and I won't have done it any other way. Here is the scoop:

Cons:

• People always talk about how much money you will save having a Sunday morning wedding. Maybe. But we didn't. First of all, we didn't have a ton of vendors, and, um, the flower mart and ipod did not give us a discount for getting married on Sunday. Our amazing photographers flew in from Seattle for the weekend to shoot our wedding, so no discount (other than the fact that they totally undercharged us for their talent). Second, we had a Jewish wedding. Jewish weddings are almost always on Sundays. Our caterer was Jewish, and she could have booked 10 weddings that day. No discount. (Note to vendors: if you're complaining that you can't book Sundays, you need to be advertising in Jewish publications or hanging out with more Jews.)
• You have to get up EARLY. I'm not going to lie to you. We were up at 6. I wake up at 5 on most mornings, so I joked that I got to sleep in, but yeah. Early.
  
• You're pre-wedding morning will be rushed, there is no way around that. The good thing about that is that a lot of the things you have to do pre-wedding are not that fun... like say, taking group pictures. So you have an excuse to rush through them. Excellent.

Pros:

• The light, the light, the light. If you're getting married in a beautiful place, or outdoors, the morning light is unbeatable, and you'll be able to see your surroundings for the whole party. We had sweeping mountains behind us, and trees around us, and it would have been a shame to waste that on the night.
  
• You know how people say, "Oh, but no one will dance and drink at a morning wedding"? This is a lie. If you dance and drink, everyone else will dance and drink too. (though David pointed out if that IS true for you, you'll save money on drinks. Excellent.)
  
• Afterwards. The strange thing is that when people voice concern about morning weddings, they normally ask you, "Well, what did you do afterwards?" Here is the scoop. Afterwards is *the best part.* We drove away from our venue, waving like crazy, at 2:45 pm. You know what we did? We went back to the hotel room we'd splurged on. We lounged around. We talked about the wedding. We giggled. We looked at our wedding rings. We blissed out. We went shopping at a used bookstore and bought books for our honeymoon flight. We went out to a really nice dinner, and I wore my wedding hair flower. We drank mojitos. We went to sleep. We woke up not-hung over. The after-the-wedding is the best part of getting married in the morning. Think about it this way: you're marring your partner because you like spending time with them. Morning weddings give you lots of time to hang out together, married, on your wedding day. And then you wake up sober and happy. What could feel better than that?
  

So, are morning weddings better than evening weddings? No. Evening weddings are fantastic too. But morning weddings are the unsung heroes of the wedding world. People tell you they are only worth it for the discounts, and I'm telling you that we got no discounts and we would do it again in a heartbeat.

Picture: The mimosa bar at our wedding, which I never saw. Shot by our talented friend Gabby on expired Polaroid film. Nice.

*Jewish weddings traditionally take place late on Saturday night or on Sunday. In Judaism you are not supposed to mix blessings, because when blessings are mixed you enjoy them less. So since Shabbat is a blessing and a wedding is a blessing, weddings are not supposed to take place on Shabbat (Friday sundown - Saturday sundown). This sounds silly, but the day of rest mandated before your wedding day, actually is a enormous blessing.

A Question About Grace

I got this question from reader Amy, and I thought it was such a good one that I had to throw it out to you all (especially you wedding graduates). Also, the title of this post was the title of her email, which made me sit up and pay attention.

How are you planning on managing the hosting responsibilities along with the marriage and wedding and events? I'm so excited to see my family and his family and our dear friends... everyone is traveling great distances to be there for us and I want to make sure they're comfortable, happy and I want to visit with them (not just pass by in a whirl of disconnected and distracted activity). We've planned activities and time to spend with everyone, but I'm nervous about feeling split. I'm nervous that I'll get so caught up with everyone else's moments that mine will slip by.

So my personal answer is this: we've scheduled time to see people, and then we've been very strict about scheduling time that is JUST for us. The first day that I have off work is mine, I'll sleep, I'll hang out around the apartment, I'll do whatever I need to do personally to get ready. I've warned all and sundry about that time, and will stick to it. We've scheduled other moments like that through out the weekend. Our time to leave our welcome picnic even has a enforcer... someone has been assigned to forcibly throw me out of the party. I think this is key, especially in a wedding planning world where you are expected to be available 24/7... after party, after-after party and all. Then, we've also scheduled time that is together time - a picnic, for just hanging out and chilling, a cocktail hour post wedding that we plan to BE at (Eff taking extra pictures).

So that's my super organized type-A way of handling it. But in a less organized, more free flowing way, I think just being aware of the issue is 50% of the battle. What about you Team Practical, what are you doing?

Where Do You Start?

Sometimes I get questions that are such good, good, real true questions that I know they need an answer, but I just don't know what the answer is. So, I'm tossing this to you, people who I immensely respect, this question from a bride-to-be:

My question:
I have been engaged since October. We really got into wedding planning around February, and I find that we are now about 6 months out from the wedding. My problem is that I have absolutely no idea where to start. I just feel so lost amongst all of the wedding stuff that is out there. We're also dealing with some serious bridal party issues, family issues, and a lot of DIY stuff. All of this makes me want to pull my hair out, and I just end up shutting down. That, and I feel that there isn't a lot to do 6 months out when you've covered the major stuff. Am I just crazy?

You're not crazy. That much I know. But, yes, where do you start? It's really a philosophical question, in the end. What I can say from experience, is that for us, we started with 'where.' Where did we want to have the party? The San Francisco area was the first answer, and then we narrowed from there. Once we figured out where, the how became much more obvious.

The other thing I know is that you start with a step. Wedding planning, like life, is one small step at a time. Watch the path that is illuminated before you, and only think about that. (And six months is plenty of time.)

But you, ladies (and a few gents): Where did you start? Where do you start?

How To: DIY Wedding Photography

I've been meaning to write about alternatives to professional wedding photography for ages, but this week I got two emails on the subject, and I decided it was time for us to chat. Here is the thing: I love photography as an art form, and wedding photography was really high on my list of priorities. BUT! I do not think that professional wedding photography is for everyone, and I don't think it needs to be. Here is a snippet of an email I got this week:

We're getting married in 4 weeks, and yesterday I made the daft mistake of going for lunch with a lovely friend who is getting hitched in a few months. We're having very different styles of wedding, but both really excited for each other. Here's the problem: over a cup of green tea, she confided in me that she is really worried about our decision not to have a professional photographer. She has a couple of friends of friends who did the same and now regret it. She was dead serious, very concerned for me, and encouraged me to reconsider, and even though I was sure we'd made the right decision for us, I'm now fretting. We decided not to have a wedding photographer because:

• We have loads of friends who are handy with a digital SLR. We've put together a list of important shots for the big day, and will divide them up, so nobody has to take more than 5 key shots (they have already agreed). Is this a mad idea?
• The cost of the photos would add an extra 10% to the wedding budget, and we don't want to get into debt. And frankly the average price of wedding photography makes me feel unwell.
• We're applying the infinite monkey theorem, whereby if we have enough people taking photos, we're bound to get some album-worthy shots.
• My parents' photo album is really 70s, only has about 30 photos in it,* but is beautiful, and to be honest that would be good enough for me.

I think this bride's reasoning is great. You don't need tons of photos of your wedding, and you can absolutely ask friends to take each take some shots. I think that all of us (myself most definitely included) put way too much emphasis on chic wedding pictures. In the end, wedding pictures stand is small documentaries. We frame a few, we put the rest in an album. Our lives move on, and the album goes on the shelf where it will one day get pulled down by a tiny daughter, or niece, or granddaughter who will peer at the dusty pages admiringly. It won't matter to her how much you spent on those pictures, just how happy you were, and how pretty you looked.

Now, if you can't afford a wedding photographer (or don't care to have one), but want a few chic pictures, some ideas:

• Buy up some Polaroid film, and a cheap Polaroid camera (I know, it's more expensive than it used to be, but you don't need that much film). Ask a few of your friends to pass around the Polaroid camera during the wedding and take shots. You'll have instant, stylish, and personal photos. We're doing this (we were given a gift of Polaroid film) and we have a photographer.
• In the same vein, if you want Polaroid style photos but don't want to pay for film, do what this bride did and have friends and family take pictures, and then use this free software to turn them into fake Polaroids (I use this on the blog all the time, it is awesome).
• Buy a Holga camera or two (you can't get much cheaper than that) and have your friends pass it around. Enjoy the dreamy and surreal results.
  
• Look into hiring a photographer who will do post production on your photos. Then shoot away and hand it over to a pro who will edit your shots to chicness.
• Or, the most obvious answer: Let your friends and family take photos for you, and have faith. You'll have simple, personal shots to remember your simple personal day. Done and done.

Other thoughts or suggestions? Supportive thoughts for the bride in question? Dish!

*Mine too! Remember, in the end you probably only really need one or two really great shots. That's what the generations to come will latch on to.

Photo via Snippet and Ink

Things to Hold When You Wed (besides your partner's hand).

Today I got a really good question. It seemed good enough to pass along to you. Free association! In the comments!

Hi Meg,

So, I was talking to my friend's mother, who is sort of like a second mom, about alternatives to flowers. And I realized that the WIC doesn't have a lot of options for me--a bride who doesn't want a bouquet, but who isn't religious in a sense that she would carry a prayer book. So, I was wondering, if you were looking for an inspiring topic that hasn't been covered, if that's something worth talking about.

There's a lot of pretty images of brides with parasols, but I wonder a bit what other ideas the wedding community might have for me?
With warm greetings,
Kaitlin

I have to say, I think it's neat that Kaitlin brought up the idea of carrying a prayerbook, because it's gone out of fashion. It's obviously not right for many brides, but I like the idea of it - holding something that grounds you in your core values, instead of something that is, well, pretty.* I think there must be other non-religious ways to play on this idea - things to hold that ground you. Ideas?

PS Personally, I like feathers.
PPS I also like bricks.
*Though flowers are also fierce.

Addressing Wedding Invitations (and staying a feminist)

Every so often I take reader questions, if I think they are questions everyone has, and someone needs to address. Usually Ariel has already addressed them in a slightly more offbeat way, and I'm taking them on in a 'reclaiming tradition' way. So, as always, take your pick. The internet is great for giving us fantastic options. Here goes:

I love your blog - it's a little haven in the sea of gender stereotype bullsh*t surrounding everything wedding.

I have a question about addressing wedding invitations. "Mr. and Mrs. Joe Blow" makes me sort of nauseous but my parents kind of want things a little more formal than "Joe and Jane Blow." What do you think about "Mr. and Mrs. Joe and Jane Blow" or "Mr. Joe Blow and Mrs. Jane Blow" or should it be "Mr. Joe and Mrs. Jane Blow" ... that kind of sounds weird, right? Any thoughts?

Also, while gathering addresses a few of my cousins' noted that their names are "Jane Smith Blow" (Smith being their maiden names). Any ideas about how to address those invites? "Joe Blow and Jane Smith Blow", "Jane Smith and Joe Blow", "Joe and Jane Smith Blow" and then if we use titles would it be "Mr. and Mrs. Joe and Jane Smith Blow" or "Mr. Joe Blow and Mrs. Jane Smith Blow" or should I use Ms.? Sadly the internet has plenty of advice on how to just leave off the lady's name on a formal invitation or how to include it if she so daringly kept her given name upon marriage, but I can't find anything about formal invitations including both names. Please help!!

Your fellow practical bride (and groom),
Cara (and Jeff - he's a fan, too!!)

So, it's actually pretty simple. The rules are:

• Woman's name is always first, when listed separately.
• Same last name? Same line. Different last name? Different line. Nobody cares, or needs to know if the couple is married or just living together.
  
• Always name everyone who's invited on the envelope, to avoid confusion. You don't need to say "No Kids!" on your invite, if you don't invite them, and then kindly but firmly point this out when questioned. (Yes, yes, yes. The technical rules are that children are listed on the inner envelope. But do you have an inner envelope? That's what I thought.) Normally children are listed by age, but do what you will.
• And, this rule is half me and half proper, but very important: Always address people as they wish to be addressed. She goes by Dr.? She worked hard for that, please use it. She goes by Ms.? Done. She goes by Mr. Joe Blow in honor of her dead husband? I know you are a feminist, but it's not your place to judge.
• And one final technicality, which you can choose to use or ignore. If a woman did not take her partners name, she is not technically a Mrs., she is a Ms., thank-you-very-much.
  

So, long form, it goes like this:

Mr. and Mrs. Blow (for the love of all things holy, let's kill the Mrs. John Blow stuff, unless it's to honor your delightful aged grandmother. I'd punch through a wall if I got something addressed that way)

Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Blow

Ms. Jane Sassy-Blow
Mr. John Blow

Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Blow
and Mr. Gregory Blow, Miss. Emma Blow, Miss Tiny Baby Blow

Jane and John Blow (Note! This is not formal, so name order is reversed! It's old school maybe, but I'm on board with ladies first here. Men get to go first quite enough, thanks.)

Mr. and Dr. John and Jane Blow

And out of respect to your old fashioned widowed great aunt:

Mrs. John Blow

And the rules hold absolutely the same for LGBT couples:

Ms. and Ms. Jane and Joan Sassy-Blow

Ms. and Dr. Jane and Joan Sassy-Blow

Ms. Jane Sassy
Ms. Joan Blow

Etc.

Questions? I will hold to my dying day that etiquette is not about repression, it's about treating people with the respect they deserve, and it can (and should!) be absolutely egalitarian.

Miss Manners on Wedding Favors

Perhaps one of my favorite posts I've written is one I wrote ages ago, on favors. In that spirit, I thought I'd share this thought from the imitable Miss Manners:

Who told you that you had to give out wedding favors? Etiquette has never thought of weddings as comparable to children's birthday parties, where the guests might need consolation for not being the center of attention. You owe them only the hospitality of the occasion.

There. Now don't you feel better?

The Best Budget Tip I Know

I've shared a number of tips and tricks on how to keep a wedding on budget - and believe you me, I've used everyone of them and then some the last few months! But it occurred to me that I hadn't shared my very best budget trick. It's as simple as this: We spend cash on all wedding purchases. We believe in this so much that we chose to have a longer engagement so that everyone could save their pennies. I know using cash isn't always possible for everyone*, but with the rest of the world pushing you to get a wedding credit card, I thought I'd tell you why this works for me.

• We are more emotionally attached to cash then to credit, which feels a bit like free money (whee, I'll pay it back when we're married and are making more money!) When I look at something I love, like say invitations, and think to myself "Yes, $2,000 is a lot more then I was planning to spend, but in the long run it's not that much," I sort of believe my own logic... until I pull out my debt card that's attached to my savings account. I know exactly how hard I worked to put every penny in that savings account, and I look at my debt card, and I turn around and walk out of the store. A credit card would not hold that power for me. If your parents are helping you out with the wedding, I suggest that if they can do it, you have them send you a check for their contribution (incrementally, if they need to). Put that money in a money market fund for the wedding. It will then emotionally become your money, not free money, and you'll feel exactly the same way about spending it.
• Compound Interest. I know, I know, but I have to do this math with you. Let's say you charge $5,000 in wedding expenses, and you plan to pay it off in 5 years, on a credit card that has a 14% APR (the average in the US). By the time you have paid off your bill (if you make no additions or subtractions to that amount over time), you paid $10,028. What just happened to your wedding budget? Is that a Kaboom that I just heard? You can calculate this here, just remember, most credit card interest compounds at least once a month.
  
• If none of this helping you stay on budget, try taking it one step farther. Instead of paying with a debt card linked to your cash account, pay with real live greenbacks. Watch, and see how putting down 50 one-hundred dollar bills for a dress makes you feel. I thought so.

* I really really do know that spending cash is not always possible for a wedding. If you are paying for some or all of your wedding on a credit card, please do not take this post as any sort of judgment. If I believe one thing about weddings, it's that each couple needs to trust themselves to find the best path for them. I just like to point out the practical paths that no one seems to be talking about.

What To Do About Your Big-Day-Dreaming Mother

A few of you have emailed me with that timeless problem: I want one wedding, but my mother (or mother in law) wants another. Except your timeless problem has a twist. You want a simple, practical wedding, and your mother is insisting that it isn't proper to get married without a monogrammed aisle runner, at least five bridesmaids, a unity candle and unity sand, a cathedral length train, and fillet Mignon. What to do?

Well, I'm pleased to say that the answer to this problem couldn't be simpler. You need to go out and buy your mother a copy of Miss Manners On {Painfully Proper} Weddings. Read it yourself first, then wrap it up nicely, and give it to your mother as a sweet gift for helping you plan your wedding. Then, whenever questions come up, say, "Let's look at what Miss Manners says is proper. You know, just to be sure." And your work is done.

My friend Kate once described Miss Manners lovingly as "Our Trojan Horse." By which she meant that at her core Miss Manners is not only practical, she's progressive. But she's wrapped in the armor of etiquette, which translated just means "treating people properly," so not even the most stuck in the mud backwards thinking person can argue with her. When it comes to weddings though, Miss Manners is both my practical icon and my favorite humorist. How can you argue with a woman that said in a recent interview:

"Weddings have become meaningless and, not to say vulgar, and ostentatious. There's a huge industry promoting that. What drives me crazy is that they're always promoting expensive things under the name of, "It's proper to do this," or "People expect it." And they're the very things that are condemned by etiquette, which is not in the business of telling people to go into debt. But the ritual itself, if it could be hacked back to what it's supposed to be, can be very lovely."

So just in time for a holiday weekend I'm telling you, if your mother is stressing you out, go get her this book. And get one for yourself. It's hilarious. And there is not a monogrammed aisle runner in sight.

It's out of the bag now. Now you know my Practical Wedding secret.

A big thank you to Tara, for serendipitously sending me the Miss Manners article. Now go read it, and watch her cut those "weddings are a fantasy" people down to size.

A New Fangled Problem With A Old Fashioned Solution?

I'm not changing my name after our wedding (I asked David very nicely if he would like to change his, and thus far he has said no. Hence, un-matching names.) These days, with the variety of name options available, I suspect wedding guests want to know what name you are going with, and we'd like a more formal way to tell them then word of mouth.

So, what to do? The best solution I've heard is to include the very old fashioned "At Home" cards with our invitation. These cards were once used to formally announce the newlyweds address and the date they would be taking up residence, so you could drop by for a spot of tea, or send a letter. These days, with the addition of the couples names, they can be a great way to let people know what the heck you will be going by. Ours would read something like this:

Ms. Meg Herlastname
Mr. David Hislastname
will be at home
after September first
123 Union Street
San Francisco, CA

We'd include these cards with our wedding invitations. They are adorable and old fashioned, and have the extra practicality of being small enough to stick in your address book or rolodex for future reference. Another benefit? These might prompt people to stop by for that spot of tea! Thus far this is the best, and most practical idea I've heard. Does anyone else have other tips and ideas to save well meaning family and friends from wild name confusion? What do you think of At Home Cards?

The cards might look something like these from The Mandate Press, Via Mighty Goods