Wedding Graduate, Part II: Sarah & Feminism & Weddings

The rest of Sarah's wedding graduate post ran yesterday, but when she sent it to me, she said something like 'I wish I'd been brave enough to talk about the ways I had to think and re-think what I believed and my attitude towards to feminism, sexuality, and relationships during the wedding planning process. So I dared her to do it. And she did. And, by some magic, in the survey one of you asked for *exactly* this post. So, whoever you are, this one's for you:Our wedding was the happiest day of my life (so far) and I wouldn’t change a thing about that phenomenally beautiful day. The huge, almost cartoon-ish grins on my fiance’s and my faces in just about every photo taken that day say it all.

That said, I found planning the wedding to be a huge challenge, in large part because I had decidedly mixed feelings about weddings and the institution of marriage itself. Let me explain. For almost 10 years prior to meeting the man who is now my husband, I dated only women and trans-guys (who identified as queer), and I could not imagine myself in a "straight" relationship. By the time we got engaged, I felt less concerned about what labels I wanted to apply to myself, but I still felt skeptical toward weddings and the institution of marriage, which I associated with a stereotyped version of heterosexuality. Straight weddings, to my mind, symbolized the idealization of heterosexuality over other forms of loving relationships. Also, I was really bothered by how much we celebrate the couple, rather than the individual, at a wedding. Why don’t we celebrate the achievements of single and independent men and women with as much fanfare as we celebrate a wedding? It bothered me that women, in particular, are supposed to see our marriages, and thus our wedding days, as the singular greatest achievements of our lives—except, perhaps for becoming mothers.

When my fiancé and I got engaged, I had no doubt that he was the person I wanted to spend my life with and I found myself really excited about both the marriage and the wedding. But I also found myself feeling guilty and embarrassed about being excited—I couldn’t reconcile that with the skepticism I still felt toward weddings and marriage on a political level. I can say in retrospect that even the most basic decisions we made in planning the wedding were emotionally fraught for me because of this. At the time, however, I did not let myself fully explore the dilemma I was facing, I think because I was afraid that if I examined it too closely I would be forced to choose between my feminist politics and my excitement over the wedding and marriage; in other words, that I could be either an unmarried, or reluctantly married feminist, or an enthusiastically married non-feminist, but not both.

Now that we are married, I cannot say I’ve entirely worked out this dilemma, but my perspective on the cultural and personal significance of weddings and marriage has definitely shifted since we first become engaged. I feel, for one, much more comfortable with the idea that relationships are the singular greatest achievements in our lives—all of our lives, men and women. I think we must all pursue our individual dreams and use our own talents to the best of our abilities and that these dreams and talents must be nurtured and celebrated, but I have also come to realize that we need deep, mutually caring relationships with others to live fulfilling lives. These do not need to be marital relationships. But what my own wedding showed me was that weddings are not actually about the marital relationship alone. Weddings are usually public, communal celebrations because they exist to celebrate the family and community of the couple—not just the couple themselves. Our wedding was the most amazing day of my life not only because I got to celebrate my love for my husband, but also because I got to experience the depth of the relationships we have with so many other people, the closeness and love that surrounds us on all sides. It filled me with gratitude and helped me to take all of my relationships more seriously, less for granted. There is nothing in this that challenges my feminism at all—I’m still just as committed to female autonomy and gender egalitarianism. It’s just that I now think that “autonomy” is best achieved in the context of a web of loving, committed relationships, not by separating oneself.

The other thing I worried a lot about was whether I was being too materialistic in thinking about the aesthetics of our wedding as much as I did during the planning process. Was I shallow, for instance, for seeking out a beautiful set of four white birch branches to use as chuppah poles, rather than using the free plastic ones we could have gotten from our synagogue? Now that the wedding has come and gone, I’m glad we used the (stunningly beautiful) white birch branches. I think it is fine to want our weddings to be rewarding to all of our senses: caring about the way things look, the tastiness of the food, all the textures and colors of the day is fine. In Judaism, it’s called “beautifying the commandment”—it means that there is actually an ethical value in making rituals, such as the wedding ceremony, pleasing to the eye and other senses. This does NOT give us license to flaunt wealth or break the bank if we don’t have it; there is a subtle but real line between ethical and unethical uses of aesthetics, I think. In the end, we had a wedding budget that we stuck pretty closely to, and we had no wedding debt. I wish I had given myself less grief over not throwing the lowest cost, most Spartan wedding possible!

One last piece of advice: one of the best things that Josh and I did during our engagement was to go see a couple’s counselor together. In the two and a half years we were together before our engagement, we had hardly ever fought—but this was because we tended to avoid areas of conflict, not because we didn’t have any. Counseling gave us a safe space to explore these areas, understand each other and learn how to communicate better and find compromises and/or resolutions to conflicts. It helped us understand how we each want to give and receive expressions of love. It really helped ground our relationship and make us so much more ready for marriage than we would have been without it. I would recommend it to all engaged or newly married couples.

Photo: One Love Photo, of course (Sponsor, but this is not a sponsored post)

Reclaiming Wife: Remember The Lesbians

I've started this sentence three times, because I can't find words to adequately express how excited I am about today's post. There has been a lot of talk on the blog about wanting to hear about what the term 'wife' means from a lesbian or otherwise queer perspective. So, who did I turn to first (more to come, of course)? Well, quite obviously Lisa and Terri. You'll remember them from their fancy budget wedding, and then their gothic one year anniversary legal Iowa wedding. Oh, and they write the awesome e-comic Godseeker. So here they are, with their post, which pretty much sums up why I think marriage equality is important to EVERYONE. Not just because it's the right thing to do, but because the expanding definition of marriage makes all of our unions better, and makes us wiser. And this post taught me the term "role fatigue," which will give me weeks of thought. So get ready:Lisa (my wife) and I have been talking, on and off, about how we're utterly baffled at why some people balk at both marriage as an institution, and at the concept of being a "wife". We understand why not everyone wants to get married, but not why they should by afraid of the institution existing. Here we are, a couple of liberated, over-educated feminists, and all we can do is stare blankly in confusion.

And we've come down to this idea- we lucked out by being lesbians. Sure, there's the oppression, the legal ramifications, and the odd co-worker or stranger that needs a talking-to, but just at the moment, I'm feeling a bit like we won the lottery.

And that’s because we're new. That as out, married lesbians we are fairly new to this culture as a whole. The media hasn't ever bothered to tell us yet what a married lesbian couple looks like/acts like/wears/drives/buys to wash their dishes. We're under the radar of most mass media. And that means there are no rules. There's nobody to tell us which one of us raises the kids or mows the lawn or washes the dishes or fixes broken toasters.

We're not a couple that’s easily identified as "butch" and "fem" so for us, society gave us no pre-prescribed roles. Yes, they still tell us what we should drive/wash our clothes with/look like/act like as women, but we've been ignoring that for years now. So unlike some of you; we weren’t suddenly hit by a barrage of new societal pressures when we got hitched. That can be a vulnerable time in your life, and the last thing you need is to get hit with a bunch of extra psychological rubble.

Ok, so given the percentages, most of you probably aren't lesbians. But we still have good news! Our marriage works.

We don’t have any societal roles but we still get by just dandy as a married couple. Which means you straight ladies don’t need the rules either. You might have more pressure to adopt them, I'll admit, but always remember that you don't need them. Those rules are bullshit, plain and simple.

If a "rule" doesn't work for you and your partner, toss it on out the window! The rules are more…guidelines. Not even very good guidelines. In fact, as a graduate student of marriage and family therapy I can mention here that the current "rules" tend to lead to "role fatigue" (that thing you're worried about in which you get stuck with all the responsibilities of the housewife and the worker and the mother and then you don’t have time to be yourself) which leads to unhappy wives, unhappy husbands, no sex life, and the next thing you know your fighting over who gets to keep the kids in your two year long divorce.

Ok, that might not happen to you. But it sure does happen a lot. Enough to generate a whole lot of studies on it. The main point is that those "rules" really can be toxic- it's not in your head, no matter what people try to tell you. Which means that for the sake of your marriage, your sanity, and your partners sanity, you really should take a look at what rules you both want to have for your own marriage. Because the rules other people sell you about how you need to cut your hair, take out your piercings, have a baby, and become obsessed with home decor (I am, but that doesn't mean you have to be) are bullshit.

If a definition of "wife" doesn’t embody the kind of marital partner you are or want to be, then toss it out and make your own! I mean, if the various household chores that come with society's idea of "wife" are getting done and nobody is being unduly burdened by those tasks--who cares who does it when? The floor is vacuumed. The dinner is cooked. Lets move on.

All a wife is is a female marital partner- any definition more complex than that is just somebody's personal opinion, which you are no more obligated to follow than when they tell you what to weigh, wear, and watch. Being a wife only means that you’ve chosen someone to stand by and to stand by you, whom you love. If anyone tries to tell you differently, you just remember the lesbians. If we can do it, so can you!

Drawing by Teri & Lisa

There Is A Difference...

Ok, this is the part of the blog you've been waiting for for the last 1.5 years. The part where I ask you, "Did you watch Oprah on Monday? No, seriously, DID YOU WATCH OPRAH ON MONDAY?"

Because if you didn't you must. Ellen Degeneres and Portia De Rossi were on, and Portia gave the most eloquent, emotional, and wise argument I've ever heard for marraige equality. Since I can remember, and at least since the seventh grade when I did my term paper on gay rights (yes, yes, yes, it's true) my gut level reaction has been, "Well of course gay people should be able to get married, because it's discriminatory not to let them. It's wrong and unfair." But Portia made a far more elegant and nuanced argument, a wiser argument, and one that I don't think would have hit me in the heart the way it did before our own wedding. You can, and must, watch the whole clip on the Huffington Post, and then you can go watch bit from their wedding here (which made me weepy) but here a bit of the wisdom:

"She's my wife, I get to say that she's my wife and that's just the way it is," said Portia.

"Anybody who's married knows there is a difference," said Ellen. "It feels like you're home. There's an anchor, there's a safety. I'm going to be with her until the day I die and I know that."

Reclaiming Wife: Brave Marriages

It's so heartening to hear all of you talking about marriage and being a wife (or a husband) and what it means to you, and what it can mean for each of us, and about the ways in which we are *choosing* the life we want to lead. And the amazing emails just keep coming. After the discussion after the Crying In The Car post, the lovely lady behind Sapphic Housewife sent me this email that made me, well, cry. She articulated what I've been trying to talk about so beautifully, and in a way I never could. And, after the heartbreak in Maine this week, she reminds me of what we are fighting for. Because in the end, marriage equality is about all of our marriages. It's about who we are, and who we want to become. So, without further ado, the Sapphic Housewife:

I know how I feel about marriage. I want children. I want to be a stay-at-home mother if possible. I want a picket fence (I was thinking yellow or green instead of white though). I’ve felt this way for years. Meeting and dating and falling in love with a woman may have changed a lot in my life, but it never changed any of that.

But the thing is, my traditional view of marriage tends to make me more instead of less adamant about people not getting forced into cookie-cutters after they get married. Nobody should get to tell somebody what she’s supposed to become. Nobody should tell a woman in a heterosexual relationship that “it’s time” to get married or have kids or take up [insert name of craft]. And I don’t feel like anyone should tell LGBT couples that “it’s not time” because “the country’s not ready” for same-sex marriage and adoption rights. I’m ready. I’m ready to be a wife and mother. I’m ready to not have to file state taxes as “married” and federal as “single”, dammit. And millions like me are ready to be loving spouses and parents.

I feel lucky that my partner and I live in a time that few people bat an eye at the fact that we’re two different races. But sometimes I wish people would ask when my partner and I are going to start having children, about as much as I wish people would stop asking my heterosexual married friends who feel pressured by the question because they don’t know yet. Because the same thing that makes my marriage invisible has the potential to make everyone’s marriage invisible. We’re told that marriage is being a woman who does x and a man who does y who both stay on timeline z. There’s no room in that for who the couple is and who each of the individuals in it are.

But maybe if people expand their opinion of what marriage can be, they’ll also broaden their view of who it can include. So here's to brave marriages!

(And for today, I'll let that be our rallying cry.)

Love For All: A Plea, A Sign.

I wanted to reach out a small hand to give a hug or a hand to hold to any of you who need it after the heartbreaking vote on gay marriage in Maine yesterday. It is a harsh reminder that the battle for marraige equality is still uphill, but for me today it was also a reminder of why we will keep fighting, no matter how long it takes to reach justice.

For now, I'll leave you with a small poem that has been running through my head all day. It's a snippet of a hymn that Amanda posted last Christmas, and has lived on a post-it on my desk ever since. And today, it seems like the best thing thing I can offer:

Love shall be our token;
love be yours and love be mine.
Love to God and to all men,
love for plea and gift and sign.

(And Washington, Thank You.)

A Reason To Eat Some ICE CREAM!

Um, have you heard about THIS? So, I think you need to go buy yourself some Ben & Jerry's now. If you're planning a wedding *you deserve it.* Which reminds me, off to give our donation in honor of our marriage to Lamda Legal.

(Thanks Melissa for the tip.)

F*ck Subtle

So, if you remember, we were originally going to put some sort of subtle statement in the back of our program about our support for gay marriage. But then as I was writing our program I realized that 1) Subtle was just not my gig. 2) That something worth fighting for is not something you bury in the back of a program. 3) That it was more important to us to signal to our many gay friends that we supported marriage equality, than it was to worry about sensitive feelings.
So. we used this statement in our program, right out where you could see it:

Meg and David believe that marriage is a universal human right, and will continue to fight until the day when each of our LGBTQ friends and loved ones has the same legal rights that we are exercising here today. To continue that fight for justice, we have given a donation to LAMBDA Legal in honor of our marriage.

This is what worked for us. I think what works for each couple is going to be very different, but the important thing is to consider the question.

(Comments off, because I can't moderate them, and a well, this subject has been known to get heated)

Wishes

One of the great things about this blog (and something I don't have enough time to do as much as I would like) is clicking back through to your blogs when someone leaves a particularly kind or smart comment. That's how I discovered the dear-to-me Amanda of First Milk. Most recently I got a comment from Sarah, and clicked through to find the "i do" chronicles, which is notable not because it's a wedding blog, but because Sarah is such an excellent writer. I wanted to share this snippet about her husband's nieces at their wedding, because it was so lovely I teared up right away when I read it:

I love this photo of all of Patrick’s little nieces standing around us. We were waiting for our first dance, and they were all looking at us with that sense of awe. Later, after we returned from the Bahamas, we were sifting through notes that guests left for us. A sign and a jar marked "wishes" greeted guests at the door of the reception, inviting them to leave “wishes, memories, or a bit of wisdom for the bride and groom.” Most of the note cards contained traditional words: “We wish you a life of love and happiness.” And then we pulled out the first little wish. “I wish for a dog, elly,” said one, a name scrawled below the wish. And then another: “I wish I go to Hollywood.” And finally, “I WANT A PERSON.” That last one really moved me. If we are lucky, we find a person -- to love, honor, to care for. Isn’t that what we all want? Someone. And that’s the magic of a wedding.

Finally, Up The Steps To City Hall

We walked into San Francisco's city hall today, put down our bags at security, and the security guard beamed at us and said, "County clerks office is down the hall and to the left."
"We... um... what?"
(Grin) "Down the hall to your left."
"Um, we're here for a marriage license?"
At which point the guard totally cracked up, "Girlfriend, please. With a grin like that on his face? Like you could be here for anything else."

It felt like a tiny taste of what the wedding might be like, and it did feel auspicious and giddy and free. I was so excited and shaky that I made David double check my part of the form, because I was sure that I'd gotten something wrong.And then, there was a moment where it was really bittersweet. We got our number, and all I could think of was this wedding. I stood in line, feeling on top of the world, and then realized that there was a huge chunk of our community, and many of our nearest and dearest who didn't have the right to stand in the line at the county clerks office, who didn't get to be grinned at by the security guard. We got our form, and I immediately asked David, "Have they changed the forms back after Prop 8?" It turned out they hadn't. David and I each filled out our names, and then we had a choice to designate ourselves as bride and groom. We didn't. It was a small protest, but it was the protest we had available to us. We will have a un-gendered marriage. And next time someone tells me "But you *have* to, you're a BRIDE." I can say with total honesty, "But I'm not actually a bride. I'm Person A." And that feels really wonderful.

Live Free Or Die! (Hats off to New Hampshire)

Same sex marriage is now legal in New Hampshire, making it the sixth state where gay couples can marry. This trickle is turning into a tidal wave.

Do we have any proud New Hampshire natives who would like to stand up? Many congratulations to you and yours, this is a proud day for the granite state.

24 Hours For Marriage Equality

I want to write a little bit about what the roller-coaster 24 hours of the day of decision were like here in San Francisco, but it's taken awhile for me to pull my thoughts together. But I owe this to each of you, so here are my thoughts on supporting and valuing marriage as a civil right:The roller-coaster started on Monday night we went to a prayer service at Grace Cathedral, where it was my privilege to pray for marriage equality in the same room where my parents were married 35 years ago. We prayed, we cried, and we sang. A gay couple spoke about how one of them has a degenerative disability, and because he is not covered through his husband's benefits he is slowly loosing the ability to walk. They talked about how, for them, marriage is not a illusive term, how the struggle for civil rights is his struggle for life, and how they don't have time to wait. There were about 40 clergy present from a multitude of faiths, and most of them pledged that, should the worst happen, they would get arrested in peaceful civil disobedience the next day. Our rabbi was among them.Tuesday morning broke with grim news. I was shocked how painful it was, even though the decision was exactly what we expected. Proposition 8 was upheld, same-sex marriage was ruled illegal in California, but the 18,000 marriages performed over this spring and summer were allowed to stand. I was surprised to feel like my heart had been ripped out of my mouth, as I pondered all our friends and loved ones who no longer had the same basic civil rights that we are exercising this summer. The day wore on, and we received word that both our rabbi and our rabbinic intern had been arrested as part of a group of clergy that had committed peaceful civil disobedience. We were both grateful and worried at the same time.After work, we walked to San Francisco's city hall, to be with the community in protest. It was there that the mood of the day started to change for me. We were sad, we were angry, but we were also happy to all be together. We were energized to know that the worst had happened, and we were still here, we were ready to fight. We marched and then headed to our synagogue to participate in a service of hope and healing. We sang a shehecheyanu blessing for our Rabbi in honor of her first arrest. We found out that the SFPD had done us proud, and were kind with each member of the clergy they arrested, with each protester. We talked about the pain of the day, we talked about the future, we talked about our gratitude for our community that is leading the struggle.

On Monday night we sang a song with the lyrics, "I will testify to love," and that is a job for each of us. It is both a great privilege and a huge responsibility to be getting married in the middle of this fight for civil rights, this fight for marriage. We are doubly blessed to be married by someone who was arrested this week as she prayed peacefully for human rights. I will keep testifying to honoring the love in each of our hearts here and in my everyday life, I invite each of you to do the same. To those of you who were denied marriage rights on Tuesday, I hold you in my heart. We will be here together when Proposition 8 is overturned, once and for all.

Finally, in that spirit, I have to share the PSA that our friends and wedding graduates Patty and Christina are in:

First two pictures from the SF Gate, third courtesy of our temple

Proposition 8 Day Of Decision

Before we go into the long weekend, I wanted to alert everyone of some very important news. On Tuesday at 9:30 am, the California Supreme Court will be handing down their decision on the constitutionality of Proposition 8. I'm not going to sugar coat this for you: it is likely to be a very hard day for the LGBTQ community and their supporters. However, it's most likely that same-sex marriages performed after the court decision last spring and before the election will be allowed to stand, and that is something. It gives us room and reason for hope.

For those of you who are in San Francisco (and there are many) here is a short list of events going on within the community:

• Monday night, 7 pm: there will be an interfaith prayer service at Grace Cathedral. (We will be in attendance.)
• Tuesday, 8:30-9:15am: Blessing and march, St. Frances Lutheran Church
  
• Tuesday, 9:30 am: Allies will be receiving the decision together on the steps of the California Supreme Court.
• Tuesday, after the decision: If Proposition 8 is upheld, there will be a circle of care formed around those who are choosing to get arrested in peaceful civil disobedience at Civic Center Plaza.
  
• Tuesday, 5:00pm: pre-march rally on the steps of San Francisco City Hall.
• Tuesday, 7:00pm: post-march rally at Yerba Buena Gardens.

If you don't live in California, hold us in your hearts on Monday night and Tuesday morning. If you do live in California, I invite you to join with others for at least one event. It is always more hopeful when we come together.

**Update: Events all over the US and Canada are listed at Day Of Decision. Go! Hope! Be together!**

M-A-I-N-E

Gay marriage is now legal in Maine, making all of our marriages a little stronger, all of our lives a little richer:

Debate was brief. Senate President Elizabeth Mitchell, D-Vassalboro, turned the gavel over to an openly gay member, Sen. Lawrence Bliss, D-South Portland, to preside over the final vote.

That, Maine, is the way it is done. Thank you.

Celebrating Freedom In Vermont

I know, right? Two marriage equality posts in one week? These are exciting times to be living in/ getting married in. So, a quick round up:

• Vermont, Vermont, Vermont! Gay Marriage is now legal in Vermont! And, in a even neater twist, Vermont is the first state to achieve marriage equality through legislative action. It's out of the courts! Next, we're going to see positive change in the voting booth, I am absolutely sure of it.
• Um, I think you need to go buy this Iowa shirt now. Or this one. Iowa, I'm a big fan.
• If you haven't done so, go peruse the comments of the marriage equality thread from earlier this week. Team Practical has come up with many touching ways to bring a small sense of justice to the currently unequal institution of marriage during your wedding. I'm not sure I emphasized this enough in the last post, so I want to say this: if you feel moved to do something to promote marriage equality on your wedding day, there are many many ways that you can do this. If it doesn't feel right to you to make a public statement, you are doing *just* as good a thing if you make a donation to a gay rights organization privately, or find some other small and personal action to take. Sometimes it is the quietest actions that are the most meaningful.
• And finally, please go watch this gut-wrenching reminder of why gay marriage rights are not about giving couples their 'Big Day' but about providing vital rights to parents and families. The sooner we realize that our laws are ripping loving families apart, the sooner people will be willing to step aside and realize that whatever their personal beliefs are, all citizens of our country deserve equal protection under the law.
• UPDATE! UPDATE! Annnnnnnndddddd the D.C. council just moved to recognize gay marriages performed elsewhere. Now *that* is what I call momentum. (Thanks MsTeacherLady!)
  

As the Jewish celebration of freedom begins, a cheer for the new freedoms granted in Vermont, and a prayer for all those who are not yet free.

(Comments are on, as long as any discussion stays respectful of all LGBTQ readers and supporters. We're a gay friendly safe place over here. That's just how we roll.)

(See... all this prattling on is what happens when I'm running low on real gay weddings. You have my email, lets keep them coming.)

Honoring Marriage Equality In Your Wedding Ceremony

In case you all have totally missed the news for the last three days: Gay Marriage is now legal in Iowa! Hooray! I've been very fond of Iowa since we spent time in the lovely Iowa city during our cross country move, but now I love-love of Iowa.

Iowa, and Iowans, a big wet kiss from me to you. MWAH! (That was a open mouth 18-month-old style kiss. Then I gave your cheek a friendly lick and smiled)

Given the good news out of the Midwest, and the not-so-great news out of California, I thought it was time to revisit our old dilemma: how can we make a statement about the importance of marriage equality on our wedding day? I've collected a short list of our ideas, and I would love if you would add your thoughts in the comments. Lets get a list going!

• We are giving a donation of tzedakah in honor of our wedding day to a gay rights organization, most likely Lambda Legal, though there are a number of worthy organizations you could give to. Our rabbi has suggested that we give a donation of 3% of our wedding budget, I suspect we will give at least that much.
• We're planning to put a small statement in the program along these lines: "Meg and David believe that marriage is a universal human right, and continue to fight and pray for the day when we will be able to share the joys and privileges of civil marriage with all of our LGBTQ sisters and brothers."
• Our Rabbi has suggested that we ask someone close to us to make a toast to us and to marriage equality during our Ketubah signing ceremony, when we will also sign our civil marriage certificate.
• Finally, and most beautifully, our Rabbi has suggested that we add something small into our ceremony to honor our commitment to gay rights. In the Jewish tradition, at Passover, you spill a bit of wine from your cup for each of the ten plagues that the Egyptians endured before the Jewish people were given their freedom, to reduce our joy with recollection of the suffering of others. Similarly, our Rabbi suggested that as we drink the two cups of wine present in the Jewish wedding service, that we spill a bit of wine from that cup as a reminder that many of our brothers and sisters do not have the same rights and privileges that we are enjoying on that day. (A practical note: the wine is spilled by dipping your finger in the cup and removing a drop of wine, not by dumping it on the floor.)

I know some straight couples choose to not legally marry as a protest against the lack of marriage equality in the United States. That didn't feel like the right choice for us. We've instead chosen to consciously make our wedding, and this blog, part of our activism. We happen to be getting married by two (both religiously married) lesbian clergy members, so our message will not be terribly subtle, though we'll try not to bang everyone over the head with it, skillet style.

Now, I'm throwing you you, Team Practical, what other gestures can we make on our wedding days for marriage equality?

Photo of one of my favorite weddings of all time, as shot by the endlessly cool Our Labor Of Love

To Each Her Own

Before I was a blogger, I was still a sassy writer who needed an outlet, and I used to belong to a six person, inspired by Television Without Pity, American Idol email group/ snark fest*. One of the best most cutting writers in the group was my friend M.G., who recently started a blog To Each Her Own about living in Texas and planning a gay wedding. Good times, those. Most of the LGBT weddings I’ve featured on this site were weddings that took place in accepting urban communities, but goodness knows that’s not always the case. I think it's important to remember the ways in which being gay can be hard, so we remember why equal rights are tangibly important. So, today I'm quoting M.G. on just how much fun it really is planning a lesbian wedding in small town Texas:

When we announced our engagement, we were greeted with many congratulations, a few comments I'd like to block from my mind, and a ton of questions. Some were clearly jokes (So are you going to stand in a circle and hold hands?), but when I heard "So, like, are you like, the bride or the groom?" for the tenth time, I realized that maybe explaining a gay wedding was not as easy as I hoped it would be.

Here are the top four questions I've gotten that make me want to slap the person who asked it with a bouquet of calla lilies and call them an idiot:

1. So, can you actually do this here?
No, we can't and thank you oh so much for reminding us. And before you ask-- Yes, we were planning on going to California, but... we all know how that turned out.
Who cares though? (We do, but let us pretend we don't care about our civil rights for a few seconds) We still want a kick ass celebration of our love and a damn good excuse to look pretty and party!

2. Are you both wearing dresses? Cause I mean, you're kind of butch.
I'm chubby- not butch and there is a difference, but thanks for trying. We are both wearing dresses. It is a personal choice, and many different couples choose different things.

3. So how am I gonna know who is the bride and who is the groom?
Well, seeing as there are two women-- there is no groom. I find this is the answer that makes peoples heads explode. They cannot grasp this notion.

4. Are your colors going to be rainbow?
No. And never speak that question again, or I will not be responsible for my actions.

So, go swing by To Each Her Own. Girlfriend needs to chat with some people who will NOT ask her these questions...

*Bragging rights: I absolutely won our very complex American Idol pool that year. The key: always underestimate the American (Idol voting) public.

The Importance Of Today

Today the California Supreme Court is hearing arguments on whether or not Proposition 8 (which outlawed gay marriage) is a valid amendment to the state Constitution. So it's a big day here, emotionally, though we won't find out what the decision is for 60 days. So, today, I wanted to take a moment to think about why the personal is political. Gay marriage sometimes seems like a big powerful Concept. It's something you are FOR or AGAINST. And the problem with that, is it hides the everyday tangible reality of what same sex marriage means. In the end this issue is about people we love being legally allowed to love each other, in the same way that mixed gender couples do. It's small, it's simple, it's personal, it's tangible, it's real. Over the past year, the the love and dignity that same sex couples have brought to marriage in my native state is part of what makes me know for sure that marriage is something that I deeply believe in and want to be part of.

So a toast for today: to all of the brave men and women who stood up and said I am here, I will be heard, I will be who I was made to be. Your love inspires me and enriches the institution of marriage. May we one day soon see a day where marriage is recognized as a universal human right across our nation.

I invite each of you to do something small today: if there is someone in your life who is on the fence about same sex marriage, drop them and email, give them a call, open up a dialogue. This issue is about hearts - the hearts of people who love each other, the hearts of those of us who love them, and the hearts that need to be opened one by one by one by one. Start here. Start now. Start today.

"The arc of history is long, but it bends towards justice." - Martin Luther King

Love Will Prevail

"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

I admit. I'm a lazy lazy blog reader, and when people embed videos I think to myself, "nahhh... too hard, to long." And I don't watch them. But Team Practical, this beautiful "Don't Divorce Us" campaign is a must watch.

The California Supreme Court is hearing arguments on the validity of Proposition 8 on March 5th, and I for one, am not done fighting. So watch this, cry a little, and email it to someone (maybe someone who's not totally sure of where they stand on marriage equality). Then go sign the petition at the Courage Campaign.

We've got a lot of fight left in us.

via Jessamyn Harris

Prop. 8 News

I know quite a number of you care about what is going on with Prop 8 in California - and some of you really care, since its your marriages that are being legislated away. So, I had to pass on the most informative article I've read so far: The Law and Prop. 8 (which just happened to be written by my better half's Constitutional Law Professor.)

And, now that I'm done informing you, the front page article from the San Francisco Chronicle today just feels good: Prop 8 Backlash Grows. Now that we're done feeling sad, lets start getting angry, because we've got work to do.

Justice, Justice, We Will Pursue

I realized that I couldn’t not say something what happened in California today, when we found out that Prop 8 passed by a narrow margin, and that gay marriage would be legally outlawed in California. First of all, I can tell you that getting the news felt like getting drop kicked in the stomach. It was a horrible feeling, and particularly strange coming right on the heels of a night that was filled with elation for so many of us.

I’m known for being something of an eternal pessimist, but not today. I refuse. No matter what happened last night, those of us who are on the side of LGBT rights are on the winning side of history, and this will not stand. My family has been fighting actively and loudly for gay rights since I was ten years old, and for the first time in my life victory and justice are so close that I can taste it, and so close that I can see it, just over the horizon. Now is not the time to give up hope, now is the time to pick up the banner and keep marching forward.

If we learned anything last night, as we watched old black women with tears streaming down their faces hold hands and sing old civil rights protests songs, it was that in this country bigotry and prejudice will not stand. Change will come. We will get there together, we just have to keep changing hearts and minds with acts of love and tolerance and acceptance. I speak from the bottom of my heart when I say that no one can take away what I’ve been given over the last few months. No one can take away the feeling of joy and elation I felt watching celebrating legal marriages with long-time couples, how I felt that first Friday in synagogue as we celebrated brand new rights, or what it was like standing on the steps of San Francisco’s city hall as elderly gay men walked out hands held high. That taste of freedom is what gives us the strength to keep going, to keep fighting, to know that justice is around the corner.

I’ll leave you with that old civil rights anthem, which has been ringing in my ears, and is doubly meaningful today:

We shall overcome, we shall overcome,
We shall overcome someday;
Oh, deep in my heart, I do believe,
We shall overcome someday.

Photo by Jessamyn Harris
P.S. Wedding porn resumes tomorrow, and excellent wedding porn at that.