Ask Me: How Do You Solve A Problem Like My Mother?

So, I know you're not exactly an advice columnist, AND I know you're on blogging break right now and are probably backed up with emails anyway just because you're fabulous. But just in case there happens to be a spot for this anywhere...I don't know where else to turn to out there in the wedding community (because I refuse to write to theknot) when I'm a crying mess of bride-to-be. I tried to bring up wedding budget to my mother and all she did was ignore me and change the subject. She started talking about how she's going to go get a new cell phone. So now I'm a crying mess because my mother doesn't seem to want to talk about wedding stuff at ALL, and I know most girls are frustrated because their moms are over-involved, but y'know, I'd like mine to be involved just a LITTLE bit. I'd like her to at least pretend to care that her youngest daughter is getting married. Point of all this being, my mother and I don't talk. Not about anything serious, anyway. We get along for the most part, but there's a REAL problem area when it comes to real life situations. And this is a real life situation. Before I was engaged, she made a joke about how she hoped I eloped so she wouldn't have to shell out money for a wedding. This is my mother's inappropriate way of hinting that she IS planning on pitching in for the wedding. So, since I was never taught how to HAVE a serious conversation with my mother, I tried to get her to confirm she was contributing the only way I know how - through joking. I went to her saying, "I'm running away! I counted and we have 110 FAMILY members to invite - not even any of our friends, not even the bridal party, JUST family members. I can't afford to feed all those people!". I was hoping for something along the lines of, "Well, you don't have to pay for it all, we're helping." And...I got a conversation about cell phones in return. Long story short, I can't figure out how to find out how much my parents are planning on contributing. Which is going to make a big difference in what we can and can't have. I don't want much. I want to make my own bouquet, I'm making my own dress, our friends are photographing, we're serving a finger food reception. I just want to know how much we can afford to spend on the venue and the finger food, really. I know if I get any advice at all, it's probably going to be a lot of people advising me to just sit down and talk to my mom one-on-one. And I know that eventually, I'll have to. But I don't know how. I doubt very many people understand how INCREDIBLY hard that is, since it really seems like most brides either have wonderful, supportive mothers, or mothers who are way TOO involved. Not mothers who think they're mentally ill if they try to have a normal breakdown. - Mandy

Ok lady. First things first: Not all moms are awesome when it comes to weddings (even normally wonderful moms) and not all families are awesome about weddings (even normally wonderful families). It's just that, um, people lie. It's that simple. It's hard to tell the internet (especially if your not anonymous, achem) about the times that your family is made you mentally ill during wedding planning. So lets just disabuse you of the idea that you're alone on this: you are NOT. (Feel free to raise an anonymous hand in the comments if you feel me on this).

Second of all, there is this wedding planning myth that planning a wedding is a wonderful mother-daughter bonding experience, and its a powerful marketing myth, not so much a reality. I can't tell you the number of fights I had with my mom about wanting her to be more involved, because I did want that. But the reality was, my mom was seriously ill, she was over stressed, and she doesn't like throwing parties. There were still lots of things she was good at - listening, say, and backing up my crazy choices without blinking an eye, but she was never going to be the magical Mother of the Bride I hoped for. She was just going to be herself. In those moments I had to be reminded to rejoice in what I did have (and in my case that was a terrifically involved partner and some fabulous friends). So let yourself off the hook a little bit. Your relationship with your mother isn't going to magically change during wedding planning, no matter how much you wish it would. And that is NOT YOUR FAULT.

Now, on to the issue at hand - parents helping out financially. Ah. Good times, that. First of all, you need to have a serious talk with your fiance, and give some serious thought to deciding if you want your mother to help pay for the wedding. Because here is the thing - if she contributes financially , she is automatically more involved, for better or for worse. (This is fair, by the way. When I give large sums of money I want my opinions heard too.) I am not one of those bloggers that is going to argue that your parents shouldn't pay because it's your day, because bullsh*t. It's everyone's day, no matter what. But think carefully in this case. Very carefully.

And finally. Getting family to talk and think realistically about money (and worse, getting them to believe the astronomical costs of today's *modest* wedding, when even we don't believe it). The best I can recommend is something along the lines of what we did when money conversations got complicated: we calculated and offered two rough budgets. Budget A was how we would throw the party on our own dime in our own un-compromised style (never, never bluff here. This should be an option you are totally comfortable with actually following through on). Budget A often includes things like fewer people or less expensive food (maybe you still invite the 110 family members but just serve them cake and punch on the church lawn, or maybe you only invite 20 of your closest friends and family and take them all out to dinner.)

Budget B is a sensible, realistic plan for meeting family wishes (110 family members and dinner in a traditional venue, lets say). It includes the amount you can contribute, and then the amount family would need to contribute to make the plan feasible. It's still a plan that you are comfortable with, and reflects who you are, but in clearly gives the cost for whatever XXX thing parents *really* want you to have/provide. The great thing about this plan is it lets everyone figure out what their priorities are. Your mom may say, "Heck no. I'm not willing to pay $10K to feed those family members! I don't even like most of them!" and done, courthouse wedding it is. Or, she may say, "It would make me really uncomfortable if you just served family members cake and punch, so let me help pay for the dinner" and done, simple dinner wedding it is.

Or, she may continue to avoid the topic. And if that is the case, let that be your answer. Throw the party that is right for you and your partner - what you can afford and what makes you happy (which you should of course be thinking about anyway) and let the rest go.

Good luck, my dear! Just remember, all those stories about mother daughter bonding over wedding colors? They may be true for someone one, but for most of us? Family remains its sometimes wonderful sometimes difficult self (just amped up) when we plan a wedding.

But at the end, you are rewarded with a brand new family of two. A family that you chose.

xo
Meg