It's strange how weddings have the tendency to bring out the best and the worst in people. We all know about the best: the joy, the generosity, and the love. But I've found out that, at least for me, weddings can sometimes bring out the worst, even if it's in a small quiet way. How many times have you looked at pictures of a big luxe wedding and felt a nagging bit of jealousy? Why can't you afford those shoes or that dress, or that photo booth? How many times has your budget made you feel isolated or sad because it's not as big and fabulous as so-and-so's? And that's not even mentioning the wonderful stress induced behavior that wedding planning brings out in each of us.But, what I really want to talk about is the competitiveness that weddings can bring out in even the sanest of brides. When I started this blog I cited Ariel's "Your Wedding Is Not A Contest" post as some of the best wedding advice I'd heard. Now 168 (!) wedding posts later, I think this is even better advice. Those of us who are trying to plan a wedding our own way spend so much time and energy fighting conventions and the wedding industry, that it's only natural that our defenses go up. "I'm having the greenest wedding ever!" we say. "My wedding is going to be the most amazing tiny budget wedding of all time," or "Everything about my wedding is going to buck tradition."
While all these goals are worth being proud of, sometimes we need to take a step back, and realize that's not the point. As awesome as our line-item budget skills are, the point isn't coming in 20% below the budget. The point isn't even to make our wedding totally unique and personal. Nope, the point is to plan a wedding that's the best wedding for us. The point is to find a good balance between not going broke and staying sane.
The real point is to end up married. And it's good to remember that we all have the same goal.
So next time you catch yourself thinking, "Our wedding is going to be totally unique!" or "Our wedding is going to be the thriftiest wedding ever." Stop, and think, "Hey, at the end of my wedding, I'm going to end up married!"
Now if I can only stop my wedding related guilt (but that's another post).
Photo via Our Labor Of Love.
17 comments:
So, so true! I think brides get competitive so they don't have to confront the emotions this huge life changing experience has created.
...nice Radiohead reference in the photo too...
Well said. There is this air of competition to have a "perfect wedding", and I don't even know why! But it's like if your details aren't magazine-worthy, then you've failed as a bride. Grrr.
There is no such thing as the "perfect wedding." Every wedding should be a celebration that is personal and shares your unique love story with guests no matter if it costs 10k or 100k.
I hear you. While I haven't felt competitive as such I've been really scaring myself by thinking along the lines of 'if I do this our wedding will look really good on my blog. If I do that then maybe other people will put it on their blogs.'
Frightening (and embarrassing) stuff! I keep having to remind myself My wedding is not fodder for my blog. My wedding is not fodder for my blog....
ps, the adverts look great! Thank you x
I agree, and really needed to hear that. My best friend is planning a wedding one month after mine that's just like mine in theory (outdoor, home wedding, etc), except that she has about 5 times the budget. It's a huge struggle to not be jealous, especially when we have some of the same guests attending both weddings!
It's easy to tell those people, "Oh, the only thing that matters is that we're married- I don't care about the rest!" (And sometimes that feels like I'm trying to beat her, too, by being the bride that is "the most relaxed"! Jeez.) But it's harder to convince yourself of that sometime. Thank you, though- it's definately something I have to work on!
I am about the least competitive person imaginable (my best friend and I would play games to the point where we tie and then give up), but I have had other people trying to compete with our wedding.
We'll get the snide comments about something we've planned or the suggestion that you have to have this and this for it to be a wedding. I hate that, as I'm not a yardstick.
Although I'm definitely a victim to my own, "if only I had a few more bucks, I would ...," every time I see a ridiculously opulent wedding, I'm not jealous at all. There's usually nothing at an expensive wedding that I would want to spend any of my hard-earned cash on -- probably because it would be so out of character that it would not feel like my own wedding!
again, you hit the nail on the head. I know i can always be brought back to my senses when i come to your blog :)
Ms. Meg,
I have been following your blog since inception, and I truly feel the "when I started this blog" post you are referring to IS the Quintessential Practical Bride (well, if you throw a little budget talk into the mix)!
It's possibly my all time favorite post, and it's the one I keep coming back to when I start feeling any sense of doubt creeping in around the corners of my mind. There is no wrong answer. Only our answer.
Thank you!
Amen. Sing it, sister!
Thanks for drawing my attention to 'your wedding is not a contest' - that's a great post.
And your post too... I agreed with all of that. The important thing is that it's OUR wedding, not 'the most' anything.
I completely agree with Ms. Green's sentiments. While the shoe lover in me would LURRRRVE a pair of Louboutin's, I KNOW that spending $500+ on shoes is flat out nuts. But I'm never jealous of opulent weddings.
In truth, I am very turned off by extravagance and receptions with masses of flowers, towering, intricately decorated cakes, uplighting and all the other luxe wedding trappings that seem so mainstream. It's pretty, but way too much (IMO). It makes me a bit sad actually that some couples turn a sacred occasion into an event resembling a post-Oscars fete.
I'm not saying you can't have fun; I love thinking about the decor and the food. But all within reason. My FH and I are keeping things modest. That's just how we roll! ;)
"My wedding is going to be the most amazing tiny budget wedding of all time,"
LOL!!
Yes, I totally agree with you! The goal is to get married, and to have a good time while doing it. Whatever that means to you. That's hard to remember sometimes because we get so caught up in wanting to please others. I love the comment about the fact that if your "details" aren't magazine worthy, you've failed! That's how it seems sometimes, doesn't it??
Oh, you girls who never get jealous or competitive, you are bigger people then me. I too wrinkle my nose at the uber opulent weddings, but it's the little things that bring out the mean thoughts. My mom always said that the perfect amount of money is always "Just a little bit more." and this holds true with me and wedding planning. My thinking goes as such: "Wouldn't it be nice to just have $500 more for this one thing? But no, I'm the most practical bride ever!"
And I'm just pointing out that both lines of thinking are traps.
:)
One more thing:
I think the Wedding Industry itself does a ton of damage just by the way they "advertise" certain types of weddings. In the most recent issue of MSW, a smaller, more itimate wedding that was feature is called "quirky and elegantly simple". A more opulent wedding was, "Spectacular and breathtaking".
Now, why do only the lavish events get such a label? Because I'm fairly certain the bride and groom of the more modest wedding, if asked, might call their wedding spectacular too. Who knows, but the point is the wording almost makes it seem like small/modest = just OK, but large/lavish = Stellar!
Just my .02.
i love your blog & this post is a wonderful example of why (i also love it because you cite same-sex marriages, which is so RARE in this wedding blog world). that's where my insecurity, competition, feelings of "i don't fit in" come in: i'm planning a lesbian wedding and there are so few models, examples, etc. to refer to, it feels a bit lonely sometimes. but i love your sensibility...it's right up my alley! thanks for a great post!
Thank you SO much for this reality check. Like many others who said "I needed to hear that", I too so needed to hear that!
Though my goal are my guests, I think that I was going the wrong way about pleasing them. Sadly, we have the relatives who will make their rounds and check off their list. But I hope that the remaining will see that it's a celebration of our union/love/commitment to each other (aww). As it should be!
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