The always cuttingly sharp Cate left this comment, and I thought it deserved to be shared. This is absolutely how I think about the process of getting married looking back. I feel, for example, a million times more prepared for the emotional process of becoming a parent after the process of becoming a wife:
The process of getting wed is a microcosm of your life together, with concentrated patches of stress and joy as you work out how to become a family. That's why it's a rite of passage. We do ourselves a disservice by keeping quiet about the stress, because the stress is all part of the process that makes us come out stronger and better-prepared to share a life together. Those shouting matches (or however you handle it) are important - it's a time to work so much out. That's my take on it, anyway. Not just "it's ok" but "it happens that way for a reason."
Sunday, March 21, 2010
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8 comments:
Wow - Cate just puts that so beautifully, and I think it is such an accurate perspective. By extension though, the process of planning a wedding can also be pretty educational in working out how to be yourself (and quite what that entails), and maybe how to be the best version of yourself (and I don't mean the pouffy dress version, I mean the gracious version that enjoys the process and isn't a bolshie cow to be around...). And working out how to be a good friend (and a daughter, daughter-in-law, etc etc). But wedding karma, as it were, is certainly something that I wholeheartedly agree with - things do seem to happen for a reason, and sometimes can be a good way to cement decisions. The wonderful woman who sold me my dress had joined the boutique a month before I went in, and her last day was on the weekend, when I collected the dress - it felt a bit like having a fairy godmother (in a serendiptious, non-Disney sort of way, that is!).
And THIS is why I try to convince my on-the-wedded trail friends to slow down, don't elope (that's good for some), but to take the time to go through this experience. It's necessary, I think, and beneficial even though you want to pull your hair out most of the time. There are so many moments in my own experience that have found me sobbing for some totally surprising reason, which, would have been lost, or at least delayed, had we rushed through it. (Heck we DID go to city hall in October here in NYC, and it didn't really seem real. There were no vows. It was merely a "Do you take...?", "Yes?","Yes", "Okay then you're marreied!" - Not exactly the ritual I was expecting).
BUT this post nails it down as to why. It's necessary, if infuriating, and eventually draws out your priorities in terms of family, finances, relationships, and community.
Excellently expressed. Thank you.
I'm definitely filing this one away for future reference!
I'd love to hear more about the subject of integrating families. On my wedding day not only will I be marrying my sweetheart, I'm gaining an eight year old British step son. He's a good kid and I love him but I can't imagine that being a step mom is an easy role. Merging families can be exhilarating (when people actually get on well), exhausting, etc. When planning a wedding we have a tendency to focus on the big day, not every day following for the rest of our lives. Any step moms out there with advice for a smooth(er) transition?
I'm with Natalya on the stepmom bit...it's gonna be a transition I'm sure.
We all have such strong opinions on raising families, finances, and all sorts of other things...it's bound to cause conflict. It's unnerving and necessary all at the same time.
i agree with blue penguin... i think it's also kind of a microcosm of learning how to be an "adult" or whatever that means anyway, or maybe just being the bigger person.
the other day, one of my bridesmaids called me and she had an issue with something i had said over my bridal shower weekend (emphasizing how early they need to be at my house on the day of the wedding - 6:15 am!). i wasn't emphasizing it b/c i thought they were going to screw up my wedding day by being late, but of course i'm worried... it's freaking early!! anyway i feel like i really haven't asked them to do much throughout this process, and the fact that she was telling me this was "extremely disrespectful" was almost too much to bear! i just wanted to totally beast out at her and scream, "are you f-ing kidding me?!?!" .. but, i didn't. i calmly explained my anxieties to her, and my own insecurities of having to rely on others for something important, and we came to an amicable end to the discussion. still, it was trying on my ego.
yet, somehow, i felt it was an important lesson to be learned, in that you can't always just say or do what you want and expect things to turn out the way you want them to. sometimes you have to bite your tongue and think of other people and suck it up. i imagine that marriage is like this sometimes, too.
Another vote for family dynamics. Marrying a man with +50 first cousins and more than two dozen aunts and uncles is a whole trip all of it's own...
In some ways, it is kinds of true. I got really emotional and sooky during the planning but me and hubby dealt with it together, making sure it compromised both ways.
Hopefully we'll stay this way when we have kids one day!
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